Day 81 – Lolita

This review was meant to come up at half 3 this morning after returning from an epic Eurovision party and a midnight barbecue with the buddies. But my internet decided it didn’t want to play, so I slept on it. Then I had to catch up on The Voice (follow it on Twitter coz I said so) and have only just gotten around to posting this up. So yeah. This is Day 81.

Lolita. After moving in with a woman and her daughter, a widowed man develops an unnatural fondness for a young girl and it all goes pear shaped.

More than one person told me to watch this. One said that it was right up my alley with the strangeness and all that, and the other just said ‘do it’. Well, how could I refuse?

Hmm.

I don’t really know what to make of this film. I think it’s partially because it is such an old film that I can’t get my head around the acting style. In fact, I’m pretty damn sure that that is the reason. But I’ll do my best to try and work around it.

The story itself is disturbing. If my friends are reading this, they’ll remember the little running joke of strange sexual fetishes that seem to follow me around (none that I have actually taken part in, let me assure you) so it’s no surprise that I enjoyed what it was about. Sick and twisted plot lines tend to go down well with me. I jut think that it went on a little bit too long. But then again, what Stanley Kubrick film doesn’t? It could have probably been cut a significant amount…

I’m not joking. Some of the scene in this film were completely unnecessary. The whole ‘cot’ scene was pretty much a cheap attempt at a bit of humor. No. It wasn’t needed. And it wasn’t even funny. And there were other scenes that I was watching and, to be pretty damn honest, I had no idea what it was that I was watching. For the life of me, I can’t remember what that scene was, so clearly it had no significant value to the film. But the complete confusion that I felt whilst watching it is unforgettable.

So let’s move on to the acting. I really really am trying to take into account the age of this film. I really am. But oh god. Sometimes it was so painful. The mother was just terrible. My friends kind of disagree with me there and tell me that she’s meant to be annoying. Well, yes. That is obvious. But everything she did kind of seemed half-hearted. Her outbursts just kind of fell flat for me. It may well have been intentional, but it really didn’t work for me. Sorry.

Then we have Lolita herself. She started off okay, and got worse and worse as the film moved on. By the end, she really was shocking. I suppose the worst scene of hers wasn’t the end, it was the ‘I hate you’ scene. It hurt to watch. It did. I huddled up in a ball on the seat I was in and prayed for the scene to end. Bad acting. Just bad.

And then James Mason. I’ve heard of this man purely through Eddie Izzard’s impressions, so you know. I don’t know much about him apart from Eddie Izzard doing a pretty impeccable impersonation. He kind of ran hot and cold with me. Some moments I thought were genius. The limp noodle joke was a cracker. Comic genius. And other moments were pretty damn good. But meh, overall he wasn’t that great. He was another one who’s outbursts were a little bit too subdued and random for me. I just don’t know. His crying is shocking too. I’m a picky person when it comes to crying on screen. And he failed.

One of the massive issues for me in this film is that the whole way through it felt like there wasn’t a script. Am I right in that assumption? The whole thing felt improvised. Key scenes didn’t flow because they seemed to fumble through the lines awkwardly and it made it annoying and slow and weird. It was weird.  I don’t know if that’s how all movies were done back then, but damn it if it didn’t work this time around.

Okay, so I’m aware I’ve written quite a lot for this one. I’m actually quite surprised at myself. And I still don’t know what to think about it. I think I like the idea more than I like the result. Yeah, I’m going to stick with that. And would I recommend it? Well, I wouldn’t say don’t watch it. But I’m not going to demand that you go out of your way to watch it either. So…do what you want, I guess…

Day 80 – Con Air

So after my friend’s first suggestion, I felt obliged to follow through with his second. Oh god…

Con Air. A man who is released from prison finds himself hijacking a plane full of convicts against his will.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. You don’t like Nicholas Cage. You don’t like John Malkovich. So why the hell are you even considering watching a film that stars both of them? The answer is: because I bloody had to.

And it wasn’t as bad as I thought.

Don’t go thinking I liked this film though. Because I didn’t. It was bad. But, it wasn’t as bad as it could have been.

My main problem with this film was Nicholas Cage. Surprise surprise. Every single scene he was in was a massive failure. He tried to be funny. Fail. He tried to be badass. Fail. He tried to be emotional. Fail. Nicholas Cage, you are officially a fail. His blank faced style of acting may have worked in City of Angels, but not in this. You were bad, sir. So leave now. Just go. Goodbye.

So, apart from Nicholas Cage, everything else in this film was just about passable. John Cusack was okay. Not his greatest performance ever, but you know. I rooted for him. I wanted him to succeed. So I guess that’s something. Steve Buscemi was incredible. No, really. He actually was. I love this man so much. I wish he hadn’t have been a part of this film. It’s below him. But he was my favourite part of it. Nick Chinlund is a guy I’ve seen in various films and also in CSI, and I like him. He was okay in this film too.

So. The big question. What did I think of John Malkovich?

Meh. He was okay. He started off better than he ended. I suppose his ‘unique’ acting style pays off in a psychotic character. But as the film went on, I got tired of watching him and started to hate his face again. So, I don’t know. It worked for a bit, but then blah. Make of that what you will.

The story had so much potential. I didn’t know what this film was about, mainly because my friends refused to tell me and I didn’t want to look it up. But it really did have so much potential. Convicts taking over a plane should be interesting. But, in the end, it wasn’t. It just dragged on a little bit too long, there was too much swearing from Cage and it was just boring in the end. And there were some really unnecessary scenes in there. And really stupid lines. ‘Why couldn’t you have put the bunny back in the box?’ Whoa Cage, calm down! Ugh. Stupid.

So. No. I didn’t like this film. But, it wasn’t what I expected. I suppose you could say that I did enjoy it more than I thought I would. So I guess that’s a plus. And it was ten times better than The Expendables. So that’s a plus too.

So, my friend will now be happy that I’m returning his DVD’s. I can also skip off into the blistering heat to watch Eurovision. Good times.

Day 79 – The Expendables

So, after spending a couple of my final days of University with my friends, I thought it was about time that I watch a couple of films again. And what better than to watch the films that my dear friend lent me?

The Expendables. A bunch of men fight a bunch of other men for the sake of it.

Any guesses on whether or not I liked the film?

This film is stupid. I just…there is no words to describe it. But, I’m going to have to try, aren’t I?

What exactly was the point of the film? I don’t really see why this film had to be made. I’m going to give deciphering it a crack though.

I think this film was made so Sylvester Stallone could make some money, try and be so very intellectual and shoot some shit. I don’t see any other reason that this film was created. Do you? Please, enlighten me if you do. Because I’m stumped!

The acting was awful. I mean, I’ve seen some bad acting. The Room is probably the best example of bad acting. Actually, you know what? Now that I think about it, this is the modern day ‘The Room’. It actually is. It was created by the leading man, there were awkward moments that were supposed to be funny, awkward moments where emotion was supposed to be there, really groundbreakingly deep moments and just plain sucky acting. The only difference in this is that there was no sex and a lot more guns.

All this film was about was guns. Guns guns guns guns and more guns. Oh, maybe the occasional knife here and there. And it wasn’t even that great of an action movie anyway. Even if you took away the really torturous, pretty much unnecessary plot-line, the action was crap. So…if that was the whole point of the film, you would have thought it would have tried harder. Right? Right?

I don’t really know why a few of the people in this film agreed to it. Bruce Willis…maaaaan, what were you doing? You are so much better than this! And you come across in this as just terrible. It wasn’t good, bro. It wasn’t good. And Jason Statham.  Okay, so I’m not a massive fan of you anyway, but you were really bad in this. I’m sure you have so much more to give. Jet Li. What? Just what? You are like the king of kung fu (probably not, but you know, he’s pretty damn good at it) and you’re just useless in this. Talking about being small…not cool. Not. Cool.

The others kinda deserved to be in there. They’re all shockingly bad. All of them. I can’t process the amount of crapness in this film. It’s unreal.

I can’t…I just can’t go on with this anymore. Please, don’t watch this. Unless you want to give yourself a brain hemorrhage. It’s bad. Really bad…

Guess who’s looking forward to The Expendables 2…GAH!

Day 78 – Barry Lyndon

So, the first film was a bit of a flop. I’m truly hoping this will be better…

Barry Lyndon. Based on a novel, this follows an Irish man who shoots a general and then forced to live on the run as a wanderer who’s life takes many twists and turns.

I had forgotten that I had promised someone that I would watch this film. I got a text a couple of weeks ago to remind me. And so here you are dude! A review of your favourite film…

You might not want to read this…

I honestly cannot tell you one character that I cared about in this film. They were all dickheads. Truly. For a while, I thought this was a true story, but no no. It’s fiction. I was bored the whole way through this film, and I wanted everyone to die. Everyone.

I don’t know any of the actors in this film. And to be honest, I’m not surprised. The acting skills of this cast were shocking. Maybe it’s just my distinct lack of caring, but I just thought it was awful. I really did. The main character went from pathetic, to cocky, to absolute twat, to loving and devoted, and then back to pathetic. And, if I’m honest, his facial expressions were all exactly the same. Ugh. This film…

Okay, okay. I know this film was made in 1975. But I’ve seen good films that are old. This has no excuse! It’s three hours worth of painfully boring material. I suppose it might have been slightly better if the whole thing was narrated, and ruining any form of emotion that I could have had by telling me what was coming up. But there you go. That’s the way it is. Stupid damn film.

I must say though. The second the narrator spoke, I smiled. Why you ask? It was voiced by the guy who narrated Paddington Bear. Ahh, nostalgia. You were the only thing that brightened up the film. And that was only for a few minutes.

I don’t have much to say on it. It’s not my kind of film I guess. A lot of people think it’s amazing and wonderful. If you’re into really long, documentary style films, then I guess this is for you. But I’m not gonna jump in that boat, I’m afraid.

Day 77 – Blood Creek

So hello there! Welcome back to the world of what I think of films, otherwise known as Dancing With Jellyfish’s blog. Yep, since my university work is very nearly over, I feel like I deserve to have a break from it. Tomorrow the work on the final piece commences. For now though, let’s see how many films I can fit into the day before I get stupidly tired.

Blood Creek. After a young man’s missing brother returns to him and demands that he follows, they go off into the world of Nazi cults and try to kill some evil Nazi man who isn’t Hitler.

I saw the trailer for this. It looked intriguing. I saw the actors in it. Michael Fassbender (my loyal readers will know what I mean), Henry Cavill (again, you’ll know what I mean) and that guy from Prison Break (who I thought was amazing in the few episodes that I watched). Pretty decent cast. So, what could possibly go wrong.

Practically everything.

To have a film with this kind of cast and it not turn out to be freaking awesome is a sin. No word of a lie. It’s written down in the rule book of life. Look it up. Seriously.

What did they think they were doing? The Prison Break guy (also known as Dominic Purcell) practically shouted his way through the film. Mostly at times where they were meant to be quiet. Good move, dude. They’ll never find you.

Michael Fassbender was just horrific. I have never been less attracted to him. Like, seriously. He rips his face off about three times during the damn thing. And he oozes jam. Or marmalade. If you can get orange coloured jam, then I’ll stick with the original description. And for a guy that is part-German, his accent pretty much sucked. The coolest thing about him is that scar you see in the poster, and you know what? I never saw it in the damn film. Now that’s what I call false advertising.

And Henry Cavill. Well, for a pretty shocking film, you were the best thing about it. Your presentation of the character who’s name I don’t even remember (maybe Evan, or Ethan) was the most convincing out of the lot. Just a note though: maybe seem a little bit more surprised when your brother shows up out of nowhere and convinces you to go butcher some people. Okay? Good.

The rhythm of this film was pretty much shocking. They pretty much rushed the backstory once the whole Nazi cult thing was introduced. Oh, this guys missing. Oh no, wait there he is. And he’s pissed off. And now their on a farm. And now they’re shooting people…Slow down. Seriously.

I can usually compliment a really bad film with it’s use of visuals. And apart from one truly breathtaking shot in black and white of Michael Fassbender’s eyes followed by a young girl’s eyes (no sarcasm intended there…it really was breathtakingly beautiful) the rest pretty much sucked. The creative dream shot was just blurry and disorientating, the cannibal horse (yep) scene was just bizarre and the special effects of ripping faces off and some form of gunk coming out of Fassbender’s face was just wrong. All wrong. What were they thinking? Really, someone explain it to me.

I really wanted to like this film. The theme and stuff looked so promising to me, and I didn’t think Fassbender and Cavill would be in a film this epically messed up. But they did. And that blows. I don’t want to not recommend it to you. It’s not one of those so bad it should be burned films. You can watch it with friends and laugh about it and then never watch it again. But that would honestly be the only reason you want to see this film. It’s bad. So bad.

*Brushes away the cobwebs*

*Tap tap* Ahem. Hello? Anybody there?

So…hello. I don’t know if you remember me? Emie Faun? I write reviews…and stuff…

So, yeah, I am aware that I have been away from this site for a very long time. Trust me, it’s killed me. I’ve not watched a single film for a good three or four weeks. Torture.

But for anyone who actually reads the rubbish I write, I’m back!

“Hurrah!” Oh thank you. No need for that!

My work has officially been handed in! Well. I’m not completely done yet. I still have a video that I need to create for my final project…but you know. I’ve got a few days to do that! I think it’s time for some well deserved films!

So, sit back. Relax. And enjoy my full-fledged return to watching horrifically bad movies (if my friend’s have anything to do with it, that is…)

Day 76 – Anonymous

You may have noticed that today I conquered the book of the day…or, if you didn’t know that, then I have indeed and therefore have been able to post a film today! The book near killed any brain cells I have left, but I don’t care. I did it. No more books to be read, and lots of writing to do. But that’s tomorrow’s story. For now, lets just get on with the film of the day.

Anonymous. The film is a re-look at who we know to be the greatest playwright of all time and questions whether or not that statement is true.

I saw this trailer in the cinema when I went to see the second Sherlock Holmes movie, and knew it was one that I had to see. As a drama student, I have read my fair share of Shakespeare (not as much as other drama students, but enough for my lifetime). I am not a fan of his work, so when I heard about the film that was going to show him as a fraud, I jumped at the chance.

And on that level, it did not disappoint.

In this film, Shakespeare is nothing more than a twat. Seriously. He whined. He slurred. He destroyed any idea I had of the man himself. Brilliant! I couldn’t stand the man, and so it makes it so much easier for me to hate him! I really doubt this story is the true story, but darn it I really want it to be! I really want Shakespeare to be an illiterate clown. You don’t know how much I do!

The story itself though was really not about him. Which made this film all the more wonderful. It was about an affair between Queen Elizabeth I and Edward de Vere. And the rebellion against the Cecil’s. And the struggles of Ben Jonson, another playwright. Shakespeare, funnily enough, was very rarely in the film. I love it!

To be honest, the story did bounce back and forth between times a little too much for me to understand. So, you know, I don’t really know how the story ended. Well. I do. But it makes no sense to me. Won’t ruin it though. But yeah, I found it hard to follow at times. But nonetheless, I liked it. I liked it very much.

The acting kind of varied in this film. You had the higher up people who were played fantastically by their actors. Rhys Ifans being the obvious person here, but the women playing the Elizabeth’s were equally amazing. But then you had Shakespeare and Jonson who were…ehhhhh. I mean, the guy made Shakespeare nice and hate-able, but I wouldn’t say it was a great performance. I don’t know…it bothered me that half of the people impressed me and half of them didn’t. But not that much.

I was also impressed at my knowledge of Shakespeare. Yeah, I won’t lie. I was sitting here, naming all of the plays that I remembered and nearly killed myself when Hamlet turned up. This was partially because I was into the film, but mainly because I wanted to show my mum how clever I am. I don’t often get to do that *sigh*. But anyway. The way they fit the plays into the film was very well done. They also seemed a lot more interesting than any, and I mean any, Shakespeare play that I’ve seen. As normal, I didn’t understand the language, but the presentation and effort and all that seemed a lot more compelling to me. So yeah. I like that.

Would I recommend this to people? Depends on who you are. If you’re a devotee to the work of Shakespeare, then I would run far far away. Your beloved master is made out a fool *bahahaha* and you will not like it. But if you really don’t give a damn and like the historical stuff that and want to see Shakespeare ‘The Twat’, then go grab your popcorn now.