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Archive for January, 2012

Day 8. Not a great day. So what about a little cheering up, eh?

File:Austin Powers- The Spy Who Shagged Me.jpgThe Spy Who Shagged Me. A parody of the James Bond film, where the leading man, Austin Powers, goes back in time to rescue his mojo from Dr Evil.

I decided that now would be a good time to watch this film. My cat got ran over last night, and I wasn’t there to bury him, so there were a lot of tears both last night and this morning. I didn’t want to upset myself with any romance or drama films because I’ve had enough of crying. So I thought ‘Hey. Austin Powers is funny, right?’

Kind of.

Back when it was released, I remember it being quite a hit at my school. All the kids loved it. And from watching it, I can imagine that I would have loved it just the same.

Now though? It hurts my brain.

The acting was so over the top, it was almost unbearable. Complete slapstick, the plot was mostly stupid and it was a little painful to watch.

That being said, I couldn’t help but laugh. Particularly at Dr Evil and Mini Me. The duck face, the over emphasizing of words…all so bad…but just so funny. And Mini Me was just bad ass. I won’t even try to deny that.

Austin Powers did annoy me though. I didn’t really like him. Not sure you were supposed to, but I didn’t really find him funny. Every so often his goofy expressions would make me chuckle, but that’s about it. He was just playing the fool, which sadly as I’ve grown up has become less appealing to me.

Like I said, the plot was just plain stupid. There really was no point in it. At least, I didn’t think there was.

To be honest, the whole thing has left me a little bit numb. I don’t really know what to think. I can see why it was so popular back in the day…but to watch it now as a 21 year old rather than a 12 year old was almost traumatic.

Since words aren’t easily flowing after this particular film, I’m going to end it with…well…I don’t know. It’s okay. At least, I think it was…

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Day 7…a week into my challenge. Surely this film will be an amazing one?

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo Poster

The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. The 2009 adaption of the book by Stieg Larsson about a journalist on the hunt for the killer of his client’s niece with the help of a damaged young woman.

What I didn’t realise when going into this film was that it was not in English. This irritated me slightly but before they even started talking, I remembered all the other films that I have watched that aren’t in English and have enjoyed. Pan’s Labyrinth and The Orphange are two key examples of this. So, I sucked it up and gave it a shot.

And then the speaking started. It was dubbed.

This immediately sent me into a fury. I hate dubbed films. The last one I watched, Animals United, resulted in me and my brother taking the piss out of it the whole way through, and not caring in the slightest about the story, which was apparently supposed to be very political.

Why dub a film? I’m sure the acting in Swedish would have been adequate! Especially in comparison to the atrocious voice actors they found for the version I saw. I mean, come on! Seriously? Is that the best you can do? I wanted to slit my wrists half the time whilst watching this film, purely because the voice actors were doing the worst possible job at making a film. GAH!

The story itself seemed pretty decent. If you can get past the terrible voice acting, then you can see that the film (when shown in Swedish) would be pretty enjoyable. There were moments where I would forget the acting and focus on the story, and I did get sucked in. But then an awful line in English would be said, and whoosh, straight back out of the story.

I really don’t want to be talking about this film. It annoyed me that much. If I had watched the original version, then I’m sure my blood would not be boiling as much as it is. It may well have been slightly, seeing as the film is a lengthy two and a half hours long, but I could have put up with it. I am actually surprised that I forced myself to stay with this crappy version. No matter how many times I wanted to switch off, or just plain kill myself, I said ‘No, you have to watch it’. All for the sake of this blog, eh?

To put it nicely, I hated this film. This is the dubbed version now. I could well love the original Swedish version. But I won’t be going out of my way to find it. This version has angered me to that level where I don’t want to watch it out of spite. I’m sorry all you perfectly good Swedish actors. I’m sorry we English speaking people ruined a perfectly good film.

I’m going to stop now. I don’t have anything else I want to say about it. Ugh.

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Day 6. Let’s do this.

A Life Less Ordinary. A darkly comic romance which tells the story of how a loser and the daughter of a millionaire fall in love.

Now, before I watched this film, the friend who recommended it to me warned me that it was unlike any other film I’d seen. But he assured me that I would enjoy it.

And enjoy it I did.

He was not wrong. This is most definitely unlike any other film I have seen. How these two people fall in love is most certainly one that I would not like to experience. But it was something that I will most certainly never forget.

Watching Ewan McGregor desperately try and be a good kidnapper whilst making a complete idiot of himself was definitely very amusing. Particularly the telephone scene. I must admit I laughed very loudly at ‘Listen daughter, I have your arsehole here…’, which is then followed by him calling  the wrong number and flirting with the woman on the line. Genius move.

And Cameron Diaz, the ‘victim’ of the situation, egging the poor man on. Who would have thought it? The victim teaching the kidnapper. Brilliant. It’s so wrong, but so right.

The two ‘celestial cops’, as the back of the DVD described, were the two most random characters I have ever watched. Half of the time, I wasn’t sure if were actually out to kill the lovebirds. I love it how they went to the most extreme measures to make them fall in love, so you know, death threats and all that. I’m sure with a gun held to my head I would admit to being in love with a man. Oh how funny that situation is to watch. Particularly Ewan McGregor’s patheticness.

I also found it amusing that there were so many actors that I recognised, but didn’t actually know the name of. Like the dentist, for example. I’ve seen him so many times in films and loved his acting, but have never gone out of my way to find out who he is. He is brilliant, by the way. Scariest dentist I’ve ever seen, considering he’s been shot in the head by Cameron Diaz.

I don’t actually think there is anything I can say I didn’t like about it. I mean, it wasn’t the best movie I’ve ever seen. But still, if you ask me what I didn’t like about it, I couldn’t answer you. There’s just something about it that is captivating, and everything in it is just so witty and brilliant. But then again, it is not everyone’s cup of tea.

So, if you like the weird and the wonderful, with a hint of McGregor, this is the film for you. But for you who love a good romance, probably not the best of films to watch. But try it. You may surprise yourself.

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So here we are. Day 5. Let’s get going.

Inglourious Basterds. The fictional tale of the attempt to assassinate Adolf Hitler. Not my type of film in the slightest.

Oh how wrong I was.

This film was epic. And when i say epic, I mean EPIC.

Who would have thought that a little girl like me would enjoy something so brutal, so violent, so manly? Certainly not me. The gruesome bits bothered me, sure. I mean, it’s never fun watching a man get scalped or seeing a man shoot machine gun bullets into someone’s face over and over. Unless you’re a bloke that is. Then those kinds of things are cool. And, despite my better judgement, I found the whole thing cool as well.

What got me through, you ask? Well I’ll tell you. Brad Pitt. Yup, that’s what I said. Bradd Pitt. His performance as Aldo Raine was absolutely HILARIOUS. I don’t think I have ever found anything quite as funny as his attempt of speaking Italian in a heavy Tennessee accent. ‘Correcto’. And his distaste for fighting in a basement? Brilliant. Pure genius. I always undervalue his talents. I really should stop doing that.

It was also hilarious to watch Michael Fassbender, a man with a very strong Irish accent, play a very very pompous Englishman. Can’t pretend I didn’t giggle like a schoolgirl at that. And I must say, for a man who died by a couple of rounds in the balls, he died pretty epically. After that scene, I had no idea what had happened. But I knew that I’d enjoyed every second of it.

And the man who played Hans Landa. Christoph Waltz. He is one scary son of a gun. I have never been so impressed by a bad guy, that a part of me wanted them to succeed, even though I was against everything he believed in. Okay. So maybe Moriarty in Sherlock wins that prize. But this guy comes a good close second.

The one thing that I’m really surprised that I didn’t enjoy was the romantic element to it. The whole soldier/Jew love thing that was going on? Totally unnecessary. I do like me a bit of romance, but this film really could have just done without it. Guns. That’s all this film needed. Guns and blood and death. And some bad accents. That was most certainly needed.

As a parting gift to you lovely readers, I would highly recommend this film. Even if you are a squeamish wimp like me, seriously, just do it. If I can learn to love this film, then I’m sure you can too. Even if it is just to hear Brad Pitt’s disastrous attempt at being an Italian man.

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Day 4. Smashing headache. No energy. Here we go.

Alfie. The story of a self proclaimed ‘man whore’ who goes about doing what he likes, only to find out that his actions have consequences. Pretty straight forward really.

Wrong.

Forgive me, but I really could not keep up with what was going on in this film. Jude Law’s character Alfie had so much stuff happen to him, I really didn’t know where I was half the time. I sat there watching it, whilst begging it to end. I just wanted him to realise how much of an idiot he was being and turn his life around and end up with at least one of the women he was messing around with.

But that didn’t happen.

The whole film, Alfie sleeps around, gets a girl, gets rid of the girl, regrets it, tries to win her back and fails. Nothing really happens. And the ending. Oh my life, the ending. It was…I don’t even know what it was. It was the most anti-climatic thing I have ever witnessed. I don’t even know if he’d changed or not. I get the feeling that no, he hadn’t. But who knows?

The acting was okay. I was pretty impressed with the quality of the acting. It wasn’t Jude Law’s greatest moment though. That poor man just can’t cry, can he? He really really can’t. I’m sorry Jude Law. I do love you. But you just can’t do it.

Yeah, I think it’s safe to say I’m not very impressed with the film. The fact I have a killer headache doesn’t help anything either. It’s so much of an effort just to think as well as write this whole thing down. So I will probably stop now.

So to finish: Alfie had good actors in it, but the story was just a bit naff. Sorry Jude. You let me down.

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So here we are. Day 3. Get yourselves comfortable. Coz I sure as hell am not.

 Rise of the Planet of the Apes. A remake of the old series, showing how in the search to cure Alzheimer’s, one genetically enhanced  chimpanzee can lead monkeys to freedom.

Now. I must admit before I go any further that I am not a fan of monkeys. I never have been. Chimps in particular are one of my least favourite animals. No particular reason. I just don’t like them.

Now though? I. Am. Petrified.

Andy Serkis’ performance of Caesar, the genetically enhanced chimpanzee, was just unbelievable. At first, I was alright with the whole ‘film about monkeys’ thing. I really kind of started to like him. And then he turned evil. Evil may not be the right word. He revolted. He became a leader. He freaking spoke.

The second that chimp yelled the word ‘No’, I swear I nearly died. It was honestly one of the most horrific sounds I have ever heard, and will probably suffer with nightmares because of it. And from then on, my heart felt like someone was gripping onto it and I could not move. Whether that’s a good thing or not, I’ll leave you to decide. But my life, I will not be heading to the zoo anytime soon.

The film itself is really really good. I’m rather annoyed at myself for liking it, and will have to admit to my mother that yes, she is in fact right about the film. I loved watching how Caesar turned against humans. And against my own will, I was really upset when it happened. But what fascinated me more was how, no matter how badly humans treated him, he would not kill them. Okay yeah, so he killed Tom Felton. But you could see he regretted it. I don’t think he really understood what would happen until it did. That could just be me though.

And another thing that surprised me was that I really wasn’t at all interested in the human characters. Oh no wait. That’s a lie. I liked the dad with the Alzheimer’s. I have this soft spot for the elderly who are weak and fragile and can’t defend themselves, so much to the point where I can violently start crying if they are put in harms way. You just don’t do that. So, yes, I liked him. He was lovely.

But all the other human characters, I really wasn’t that fussed in. And I think that was supposed to be the point. Even though these monkeys go around destroying all that we as humans have built, we aren’t supposed to care. We’re supposed to want them to succeed. At least I hope that’s what they meant, otherwise I’m beginning to like monkeys a whole lot more than I want to, and that isn’t acceptable.

So what’s bad about the film, you ask? If I’m quite honest, I don’t know. I can’t tell you what I didn’t like about it, besides the fact that it has forever put me in fear of chimps. I mean come on. A chimp that’s as big as a human that learns to talk? Is that not even a tiny bit freaky?

In writing this down, I realise the memory of that damn chimp is embedding itself deeper and deeper into my mind, so I’m going to have to stop writing. It’s scaring me too much. So, I’ll conclude with ‘yes, I liked the film, and no, I will never underestimate a monkey ever ever again’.

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So. Day 2. Shall we begin?

 Jonah Hex. An industrial western film based on a comic. A man who has his family killed goes out for revenge, whilst stopping America being destroyed. Sounds exciting, yes?

No.

Well. Okay. A bit. I mean, I did sit and watch it all. I suppose that counts for something. Plus, I did quite like the concept of Hex being able to bring people back from the dead by touching them. That, I admit, did shock me a little.

I’ll tell you what really bugged me. John. Freaking. Malkovich. No matter what film I see him in, I hate it. I hate him. People insist he’s a good actor, but I’ve yet to see it. Sorry Mr Malkovich. You just annoy me with your overacting.

Aside from that, the other big characters were pretty naff too. Jonah was just too miserable for me (I know he was supposed to be, but come on, there’s no need to be that miserable) and Lila (or whatever her name was) is just a waste of space if you ask me. No need for her character whatsoever.

The only good character was Burke, played by Michael Fassbender. This, however, annoyed me because he was not the main villan, yet I was a heck of a lot more scared of him than I was of Malkovich. And it seemed to me that, although Turnbull (Malkovich) was the one that Hex was out to kill, it was actually Burke that did everything. So, surely you would want to kill Burke rather than Turnbull? Oh well. I was actually disappointed when Burke snuffed it, seeing as he was the only decent thing in the film for me.

I’m sorry. I lie. The dog was also good. Without the dog, there would be no Jonah Hex. True fact.

So, despite all the things that I could potentially have loved (crows flying out of mouths and resurrecting dead friends) this film just didn’t cut it for me. I’m so disappointed. I had high hopes. But there you go. I salute you Burke and Dog, for making this disappointing film somewhat entertaining.

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