Archive for June, 2012

Here it is everyone! Film 100! Thank you to everyone that has stuck with me after my complete uselessness at updating this thing! Hopefully from now on it will be a lot better. I’m sure going to try anyway. And hopefully I will continue to amuse and all that stuff. But let’s wait no longer! I’m so excited to write about this film. I could pee…

Prometheus. After discovering signs all over the world, a team goes out to space to find the origins of the human race and come across something a lot more sinister.

I have been excited for ages to see this film. I didn’t actually think that I would be going to see this in the cinema, due to my really bad geographical location to everything good in the world. But lo and behold! It showed up in the cinema whilst I was visiting friends. We jumped at the chance to see it, and then discovered it was in 3D. Despite seeing other films in 3D, I knew this one would trash all of those other ones because Ridley Scott made this film for 3D. So you know. So much potential.

Ooooooooooh you didn’t disappoint me Prometheus!

I love this film. In every single damn way it is possible to love a film. I could ramble on and on for so long on how much I love it. But I need to be as short as I can…

Let’s start with the 3D I guess. I’ve seen 3D film before. They’ve never really properly effected my watching experience. This film however, was absolutely breathtaking. I mean, Oh My Life. It’s a sexy sexy film. The 3D was damn near perfect. Naturally there were the occasional moment where it was just blurry, but you know. We’re still perfecting this 3D thing. I forgive you. But there were scenes in this that I just wanted to die to. I will say that I’m not sure how this film will project onto 2D screens, but nonetheless I’m excited to find out. And I am so very very very very glad that I watched it in 3D.

The acting is next. I’ll just get to the point. Michael Fassbender is the most beautiful man on this planet. His character of the android David was amazing. For a brief moment, I forgot he was this android and found his stiff walking very like ‘ooer’. But then I remembered and all that went out the window. It also tickled me how British he sounded. But again, that was when I forgot he was an android. But he was absolutely breathtaking. Breath. Taking. Yep. I love him. I do. I really do. Love love love love.

There were other actors in this film. There were, honestly. But to be honest, Fassbender thrashed them all. Although, the character was Shaw was pretty badass. I shudder at the memory of a certain scene that I cannot describe to you due to uber-spoilers, but it makes me not want to be a woman anymore. She is badass. And she bounced a lot off of David’s character. So you know. Yeah. I’m not biased…

I actually really liked the story too. I haven’t seen the Alien movies, so the issues a lot of fans have with this was kind of not applicable to me. My friends did say that they wished it had been a little bit more explanatory, but I don’t care. I don’t need to know why all these things happened. This film dug it’s hook into me, and I liked the mystery of everything that was going on.

Oh. I do love this film so. I really do. Did you notice?

I’m going to stop, otherwise I will totally blow this film for everyone. Please, for the love of everything good in the world, watch this film. Please? In 3D if you can. That experience is mind blowing. And if you have seen this film in 2D, let me know what it’s like. Because I’m going to get it on DVD the second it comes out. I love it. Yep.


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So here we go. These next two films are the ones that I’ve been wanting to talk about to anyone and everyone for the past few days. And I’m happy to say that they are films 99 and 100! I’ve come so far, but would probably be even further ahead of myself if I hadn’t been finishing my university life. D’oh! Anyway…

Birdemic: Shock and Terror. A film about birds attacking.

This has been called one of the worst films out there. I found this on a Youtube video showing scenes of the worst films ever. And then I watched the trailer. And then I knew I needed to see it.

This. Film. Is. Brilliant.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s not brilliant in the same way that The Green Mile and The Lord of the Rings are brilliant. Oh no no no no no. This film is brilliant in the way that Manos: Hands of Fate was brilliant. Let me explain…

The title pretty much says the emotions we are meant to feel. Emphasis on ‘meant’. Throughout this film, I was howling with laughter. No ‘shock’. No ‘terror’. Just comedy. There is just so many things wrong with this film, I would even go to say it is worse than Manos. Yes. I said it. And this film was made in 2008! It has no excuse!

The CGI is so bad that it’s good. I mean…the birds…oh my life. I don’t really know how to explain it. These were birds…but they were kind of like those GIFs you see on the internet. They’re just stuck onto the screen and repeat their actions in their cartoon-like way. It’s so beautiful. Oh, and did I mention that they dive bomb? Yep. And they spew bird acid. Oh yes. Bird acid. I will explain no more.

Not only is the CGI bad, but the audio is horrendous. The first line of the film is literally an explosion of feedback with a high-pitched ‘Hi’ somewhere in there. That is possibly the only moment of shock I got from this film. Oh no. The other moment was the scene were a woman was killed whilst emptying her bowels. It was hilarious. But back to the audio. It was so bad. You could hear the scene cuts, you could hear the background noise, and sometimes you couldn’t even hear the very important, plot-thickening dialogues that were had. Shame.

And about the dialogue, let’s talk about the acting. Well…let’s just say it was non-existent. The leading guy in this film had the facial expressions of a rock, and the speaking skills of a plank. And I think, from the interview that I watched of the sequel (oh, I’ll get there eventually), that this guy thinks he’s…like…amazing. Come on dude. Have you watched this film? *sigh* The rest of the acting was really bad too. Sometimes it was like they were just told to make it up on the spot, or only had one take so if they fluffed up they had to continue. Oh the pain. The pain…

And the amount of scenes that were completely unnecessary? Practically all of it. For the first 45 minutes, there’s no birds. Oh, no, there’s 3 wild parrots. But they weren’t attacking anyone. So, you know, the romance and all that stuff was so important that it took up half of the film. They didn’t have the ability to, you know, merge the two things together. Oh jeez. Oh, and do you like driving? I hope you do. There’s a lot of it in this film. And singing. There’s a whole 2 minutes worth of singing and dancing in this film. ‘Good’ dancing and singing too. Yep…aren’t you jealous you didn’t see this film?

But despite every single thing that I have just said, I absolutely love this film. This is the true definition of a guilty pleasure. It is so painful to acknowledge as a film, but I love the fact that someone thought they were a cinematic god and created this beautiful thing. I am seriously considering purchasing it. Really. I am. I love it. I do.

So. Watch it. Your life will be complete when you do.

Oh yeah. The sequel! There’s a Birdemic 2: The Resurrection coming out this Summer! In 3D! YES! I KNOW! I am so excited. I could actually die with excitement. Watch this first one, and you will be too.


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This is another one of those films that I’ve watched in the past week and haven’t been able to write about. I’m going to cut the crap and get right to it.

Gordy. A piglet goes in search of his sold family and ends up becoming a world hero.

This was one of those films that I had no choice in watching. My friend (not my usual friend that controls my film choices, just so you know) was feeling down and this is her pick up film. I’ve seen the beginning of a review of this film too by the amazing Nostalgia Critic, and it wasn’t promising. So, you know. Not much hope to begin with.

Oh, how right I was.

I know this is a kid’s film. I know that. It’s all cheesy and all the squishy stuff that’s made kid’s films so suitable for kid’s. But this film…this film goes beyond all that.

The story is completely unrealistic. Painfully unrealistic. I just can’t understand the logic in this film. Only a few people (the one’s with pure hearts by the way) can hear Gordy, and he becomes a complete billionaire within the space of a few seconds. I mean…really? I couldn’t actually take it seriously.

I just…oh I have no idea. There’s just so many flaws with the film. It pains me to recall it. It is, however, in no way the worst film I have ever watched. There is an actual element of caring in this film. I did care for the pigs. Only because they were cute, fluffly, little piglets. That’s about the extend of the caring I put into this film. But you know. That’s more than a lot of films.

I don’t really have much to say about this film. Like…the acting was pretty poor, the story was unrealistic, and the hero was a pig. Not the cool Babe kind of hero either. Some overly cheesy one that only made me happy when he was being cute. That’s it. Not much for me to go off.

I think it’s best I just kind of give up. I have two films to write about for which I have so much to write for. No point wasting time on a film that I can’t write about…

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So, okay, I must apologise. I haven’t actually been updating this thing despite watching a few films. My excuse? I was using other people’s laptops that didn’t agree to this site. Annoyingly. But they are being sorted out now! Four films all in one day! Yay! So let’s go, shall we?

Martha Marcy May Marlene. After running away from an abusive cult, a young girl tries to adapt to normal life with her sister and her husband but is plagued by the horrific memories.

I’m going to admit something. I watched this film purely for one actor. That actor is Hugh Dancy. Not going to deny the little girlie crush that I have on this man after watching his performance in Adam. If you haven’t seen this film, then watch it. It’s beautiful. Okay? Good. But back to this film. I needed to see this simply because he was in it…

Turns out the rest of the film is so much better. It was just slowwwwwww.

I mean it. The pacing of this film is painfully slow. I felt like I had been watching it for a whole lot longer than I actually was. I don’t know if that’s a bad thing or not. I mean, despite that fact, I thoroughly enjoyed the film. Everything that happened was important to the film, and kept me interested. It just felt like it was really really long.

Okay, so, I just said that everything was necessary and important to the story. A lot of it didn’t really make that much sense. And by that I mean that it was just random and out of the blue. Like Martha’s comments were a bit abrupt and caught me off guard. I realise that this was the effect they were going for, it just happened a little bit too often for my liking.

The flashbacks were also quite disorientating too. Again, I know that they were probably meant to be. I don’t know really. I guess I didn’t like them. Probably because of how uncomfortable they made me feel. I had no idea what was going on and why she was remembering them. I suppose I just got frustrated. But that’s okay. Because like I said, I did enjoy this film.

What I found really powerful was the manner in which they treated the issue of abusive cults. They could have gone totally over the top and done hardcore rape and abuse and all of that. But they didn’t. This film was pretty tame. I think there was maybe one or two visual rape scenes, but it was nowhere near as visual as it could have been. At the same time, it was really difficult to watch. The subtlety was all that was really necessary. It was very well done. Very very well done.

And the acting was really good too. Elizabeth Olsen played this disturbed young woman very well. I think she will do very well in her career if this was her first, or near first, film. Hugh Dancy was good too. Painfully British, but then it’s not often that I watch an American film where I’m not reminded of how posh we British sound. It’s funny. But his acting skills were there, as per usual. John Hawkes was also new to me. Apparently I’ve seen him in other films, but I don’t recognise him. But he was damn creepy in this film. I don’t think I’ll be crossing him anytime soon.

If I’m totally honest, I’ve struggled writing this review. Not because I didn’t like it. I just really don’t know what to say about it. I did like it. Just in case that wasn’t clear. I just found it partially difficult to watch, and very difficult to write about. Hopefully it was enough of my opinion.

Regardless! Next film!

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The previous film was a surprisingly funny watch. Will this one be the same?

Hobgoblins. Little creatures run around killing people with their wildest fantasies.

Remember how I said I was traumatised by Freddy Got Fingered? This has done the same job. I am broken.

Nothing happens. And if it does, there’s no energy in anything that’s being done. But for a lot of the film, nothing interesting happens.


I hate this film I hate this film I hate this film I hate this film I hate this film I hate this film I hate this film I HATE THIS FUCKING FILM!!!!!!

I actually have nothing to write about. Nothing. Because NOTHING FUCKING HAPPENED!!! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGE!

There were the Hobgoblins themselves I suppose. They’re supposed to be scary, right? RIGHT? No. If anything, they were cute. I want one. Yeah, how bad is that? I want the thing that supposedly goes around killing people. Good one film. Oh, and I think what they used were teddies too. Yeah, they held them by their arses and shook them around to make it look like they were alive. Job well done. I was totally fooled.

And don’t get me started on the corridors. I don’t want to walk down another corridor EVER. Apparently corridors are much more important than, I don’t know, PLOT!! ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH

Breathe, breathe, breathe…be calm…be…calm…

Nope. Fuck this. I’m going. I’m not going to waste more words on this film. It’s balls. Balls balls balls balls BALLS.

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As you may have guessed, I’m back at my friend’s house! Yay! That means more and more films shall be watched! Yay! I’m eager to get started, aren’t you?

Manos: The Hands of Fate. A couple on their way to vacation stumble across a little hut in the middle of nowhere and stuff happens.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh. Ohhhhhhhhhhhh. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

This film was possibly the worst excuse I have ever seen for a film. By that I mean that everything was wrong with it. I mean it. There was not one decent shot, line, character, anything throughout the whole thing.

But you know what? I loved watching it.

This is one of those films that is so so so awful that you can’t help but find it bed-wettingly funny. I mean it. It is the worst film in existence if you look at it from a director’s point of view. It is so low budget, so badly edited, so obviously dubbed. If you were the director of that film, you would probably want to go throw yourself off of a cliff, poison yourself, stab your face repeatedly and then maybe let somebody kill you. But watching it now in 2012, it is comic gold.

Every single shot of this film was painstakingly unnecessary and long. The first 10 minutes of the damn film is watching them drive with really strange music playing over so loud that you can’t hear the odd occasion when they do speak. And then we have the back and forth shots from the couple to the ‘eerie’ painting that was just like, what? Oh, and let’s not forget the 5 minute bitch fight scene that was funny to start and then just got worse and worse and oh God make it stop. I don’t know what kind of director, or even actor, would be satisfied with what they did in this film.

The acting was so bad. So bad. There actually are no words to describe the level of acting in this film. It makes Nicholas Cage seem like a freaking Shakespearean actor! And the lines. Oh God the lines! I never want to hear the line ‘It’s my baby. It’ll be alright’ again because it was said about 4 times. I actually think it was a recorded line recycled. A lot of the lines felt that way. They didn’t have the time to actually do it properly so they pulled a few people off the street, gave them a fiver and said ‘hey, read these lines for us. You’ll be famous.’ Yup. I’ve figured it all out now.

Oh. But there was one magical glimmer of genius in this whole film. One word: Torgol. The man with the weirdest legs in the history of films. We had to sit and watch this poor man in clearly painful costume struggle to drag a dead-weight man across the screen. I felt so bad for him. His acting skills were amazing (and by that I mean scarily bad). He is the creepiest bugger ever. But. But! He is indestructible. About 3 times did the ‘Master’ say he was going to die, and at no point did he die. You go Torgol. I’ve got your back.

But despite all of this really really shockingly awful stuff, I have to say that it was a blast to watch. Unlike some of the other films that I’ve seen, I would actually sit through this again. Not alone, of course. I will try and convince a few of my other friends to sit through it and laugh with me. It truly holds the title for the worst film ever made, and I love it because it is the worst film ever made.

So, that was a pleasant turn of events. I now go to watch a film that is actually going to kill my brain cells. Wish me luck.

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After a couple of days of stressing out about interviews, putting weight on and worrying what horrific film my friend is going to make me watch, I thought I would sit back and relax with this next film. Not that I can really do much though. My interview shoes destroyed my feet, so I can’t really do too much walking about. Oh well. Film time!

50/50. After learning that he has cancer, a young man struggles through his relationship, his friendships and his family.

I’ve seen things about cancer before. You may remember my post on My Life Without Me, and me saying that I used to watch The Big C. The film wasn’t that good, but the programme was really good. So, what did I think of my next venture into this world?

It was so beautiful.

The problem I had with My Life Without Me is the heartlessness of all the characters in the film. They all seemed really distant and fake and it just wasn’t great. The humour was all wrong too. This film had no trouble with that.

I mean, okay. I don’t know whether I myself would class this as a comedy. There were funny moments in it, and Seth Rogan’s involvement in the film kind makes it obvious that it will be classed that way. But I felt it more of a drama. That’s just me personally. I didn’t find it all that funny. But that didn’t really matter to me, because I was enjoying the film and connecting with the characters. Which is more than I can say for MLWM.

This was a moving film, and it dealt with the issue of cancer really nicely. Even though Seth Rogan’s character was chatting up ladies with Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s cancer as the hook, it wasn’t insulting. And even the awkward party scene where everyone was making Levitt’s character feel really weird wasn’t insulting. It’s probably what happens. I’m lucky enough not to have known anyone close to me that’s suffered with cancer. At least, not since I was like 4. So I don’t know how difficult it is to talk to that person, or how they might be feeling. But this film kind of opened my eyes. So, not only was it beautifully done, it was educational to me too. And I like that.

One of the interesting things about this film is that originally it was meant to be James McAvoy playing the role of Adam. Now, if you know me at all, you will know that I am a big McAvoy fan. And when I first read that information, way before watching this film, I thought ‘Well damn. This film isn’t going to be as good now.’ But you know what? I’m kind of glad he had to drop out. Levitt does an absolutely incredible job in this film. He has such a kind face and a certain air about him that made him fit the bill for this character. I don’t think I would have enjoyed the film as much if it was McAvoy. And that’s something coming from me. Levitt had me in tears in this film. He is an incredible actor and should be very proud of himself.

The story was really simple too. It wasn’t some kind of stupid over-the-top scenarios that some films have. You know the ones I mean? Stupid car chases, really unnecessary sex scenes. That kind of stuff. It wasn’t in this film. The story was what it was: a man suffering with cancer. Everything that happened to him could happen to anyone. And that made this film so special to me. It wasn’t trying to glamorize what was happening to him, and so I could relate to it a lot more. It had me hooked all the way through, and it was so beautiful. I keep saying that, but it really was.

I’m going to have to stop now. If I don’t, I’ll ramble on and on and spoil stuff, and I really don’t want to do that. If you’re okay with watching films that deal with difficult issues, I would recommend this to you. I say that because I was originally supposed to watch this with my mum, and she can’t handle films that deal with cancer. So, if you can, I would say watch it. It really touching and sweet and makes you think about a lot of stuff. If you can’t handle these issues, then I would say avoid it. It’s quite rough to watch, and I wouldn’t want to upset anyone.

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