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Day 98 – Gordy

This is another one of those films that I’ve watched in the past week and haven’t been able to write about. I’m going to cut the crap and get right to it.

Gordy. A piglet goes in search of his sold family and ends up becoming a world hero.

This was one of those films that I had no choice in watching. My friend (not my usual friend that controls my film choices, just so you know) was feeling down and this is her pick up film. I’ve seen the beginning of a review of this film too by the amazing Nostalgia Critic, and it wasn’t promising. So, you know. Not much hope to begin with.

Oh, how right I was.

I know this is a kid’s film. I know that. It’s all cheesy and all the squishy stuff that’s made kid’s films so suitable for kid’s. But this film…this film goes beyond all that.

The story is completely unrealistic. Painfully unrealistic. I just can’t understand the logic in this film. Only a few people (the one’s with pure hearts by the way) can hear Gordy, and he becomes a complete billionaire within the space of a few seconds. I mean…really? I couldn’t actually take it seriously.

I just…oh I have no idea. There’s just so many flaws with the film. It pains me to recall it. It is, however, in no way the worst film I have ever watched. There is an actual element of caring in this film. I did care for the pigs. Only because they were cute, fluffly, little piglets. That’s about the extend of the caring I put into this film. But you know. That’s more than a lot of films.

I don’t really have much to say about this film. Like…the acting was pretty poor, the story was unrealistic, and the hero was a pig. Not the cool Babe kind of hero either. Some overly cheesy one that only made me happy when he was being cute. That’s it. Not much for me to go off.

I think it’s best I just kind of give up. I have two films to write about for which I have so much to write for. No point wasting time on a film that I can’t write about…

So, okay, I must apologise. I haven’t actually been updating this thing despite watching a few films. My excuse? I was using other people’s laptops that didn’t agree to this site. Annoyingly. But they are being sorted out now! Four films all in one day! Yay! So let’s go, shall we?

Martha Marcy May Marlene. After running away from an abusive cult, a young girl tries to adapt to normal life with her sister and her husband but is plagued by the horrific memories.

I’m going to admit something. I watched this film purely for one actor. That actor is Hugh Dancy. Not going to deny the little girlie crush that I have on this man after watching his performance in Adam. If you haven’t seen this film, then watch it. It’s beautiful. Okay? Good. But back to this film. I needed to see this simply because he was in it…

Turns out the rest of the film is so much better. It was just slowwwwwww.

I mean it. The pacing of this film is painfully slow. I felt like I had been watching it for a whole lot longer than I actually was. I don’t know if that’s a bad thing or not. I mean, despite that fact, I thoroughly enjoyed the film. Everything that happened was important to the film, and kept me interested. It just felt like it was really really long.

Okay, so, I just said that everything was necessary and important to the story. A lot of it didn’t really make that much sense. And by that I mean that it was just random and out of the blue. Like Martha’s comments were a bit abrupt and caught me off guard. I realise that this was the effect they were going for, it just happened a little bit too often for my liking.

The flashbacks were also quite disorientating too. Again, I know that they were probably meant to be. I don’t know really. I guess I didn’t like them. Probably because of how uncomfortable they made me feel. I had no idea what was going on and why she was remembering them. I suppose I just got frustrated. But that’s okay. Because like I said, I did enjoy this film.

What I found really powerful was the manner in which they treated the issue of abusive cults. They could have gone totally over the top and done hardcore rape and abuse and all of that. But they didn’t. This film was pretty tame. I think there was maybe one or two visual rape scenes, but it was nowhere near as visual as it could have been. At the same time, it was really difficult to watch. The subtlety was all that was really necessary. It was very well done. Very very well done.

And the acting was really good too. Elizabeth Olsen played this disturbed young woman very well. I think she will do very well in her career if this was her first, or near first, film. Hugh Dancy was good too. Painfully British, but then it’s not often that I watch an American film where I’m not reminded of how posh we British sound. It’s funny. But his acting skills were there, as per usual. John Hawkes was also new to me. Apparently I’ve seen him in other films, but I don’t recognise him. But he was damn creepy in this film. I don’t think I’ll be crossing him anytime soon.

If I’m totally honest, I’ve struggled writing this review. Not because I didn’t like it. I just really don’t know what to say about it. I did like it. Just in case that wasn’t clear. I just found it partially difficult to watch, and very difficult to write about. Hopefully it was enough of my opinion.

Regardless! Next film!

The previous film was a surprisingly funny watch. Will this one be the same?

Hobgoblins. Little creatures run around killing people with their wildest fantasies.

Remember how I said I was traumatised by Freddy Got Fingered? This has done the same job. I am broken.

Nothing happens. And if it does, there’s no energy in anything that’s being done. But for a lot of the film, nothing interesting happens.

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I hate this film I hate this film I hate this film I hate this film I hate this film I hate this film I hate this film I HATE THIS FUCKING FILM!!!!!!

I actually have nothing to write about. Nothing. Because NOTHING FUCKING HAPPENED!!! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGE!

There were the Hobgoblins themselves I suppose. They’re supposed to be scary, right? RIGHT? No. If anything, they were cute. I want one. Yeah, how bad is that? I want the thing that supposedly goes around killing people. Good one film. Oh, and I think what they used were teddies too. Yeah, they held them by their arses and shook them around to make it look like they were alive. Job well done. I was totally fooled.

And don’t get me started on the corridors. I don’t want to walk down another corridor EVER. Apparently corridors are much more important than, I don’t know, PLOT!! ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH

Breathe, breathe, breathe…be calm…be…calm…

Nope. Fuck this. I’m going. I’m not going to waste more words on this film. It’s balls. Balls balls balls balls BALLS.

As you may have guessed, I’m back at my friend’s house! Yay! That means more and more films shall be watched! Yay! I’m eager to get started, aren’t you?

Manos: The Hands of Fate. A couple on their way to vacation stumble across a little hut in the middle of nowhere and stuff happens.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh. Ohhhhhhhhhhhh. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

This film was possibly the worst excuse I have ever seen for a film. By that I mean that everything was wrong with it. I mean it. There was not one decent shot, line, character, anything throughout the whole thing.

But you know what? I loved watching it.

This is one of those films that is so so so awful that you can’t help but find it bed-wettingly funny. I mean it. It is the worst film in existence if you look at it from a director’s point of view. It is so low budget, so badly edited, so obviously dubbed. If you were the director of that film, you would probably want to go throw yourself off of a cliff, poison yourself, stab your face repeatedly and then maybe let somebody kill you. But watching it now in 2012, it is comic gold.

Every single shot of this film was painstakingly unnecessary and long. The first 10 minutes of the damn film is watching them drive with really strange music playing over so loud that you can’t hear the odd occasion when they do speak. And then we have the back and forth shots from the couple to the ‘eerie’ painting that was just like, what? Oh, and let’s not forget the 5 minute bitch fight scene that was funny to start and then just got worse and worse and oh God make it stop. I don’t know what kind of director, or even actor, would be satisfied with what they did in this film.

The acting was so bad. So bad. There actually are no words to describe the level of acting in this film. It makes Nicholas Cage seem like a freaking Shakespearean actor! And the lines. Oh God the lines! I never want to hear the line ‘It’s my baby. It’ll be alright’ again because it was said about 4 times. I actually think it was a recorded line recycled. A lot of the lines felt that way. They didn’t have the time to actually do it properly so they pulled a few people off the street, gave them a fiver and said ‘hey, read these lines for us. You’ll be famous.’ Yup. I’ve figured it all out now.

Oh. But there was one magical glimmer of genius in this whole film. One word: Torgol. The man with the weirdest legs in the history of films. We had to sit and watch this poor man in clearly painful costume struggle to drag a dead-weight man across the screen. I felt so bad for him. His acting skills were amazing (and by that I mean scarily bad). He is the creepiest bugger ever. But. But! He is indestructible. About 3 times did the ‘Master’ say he was going to die, and at no point did he die. You go Torgol. I’ve got your back.

But despite all of this really really shockingly awful stuff, I have to say that it was a blast to watch. Unlike some of the other films that I’ve seen, I would actually sit through this again. Not alone, of course. I will try and convince a few of my other friends to sit through it and laugh with me. It truly holds the title for the worst film ever made, and I love it because it is the worst film ever made.

So, that was a pleasant turn of events. I now go to watch a film that is actually going to kill my brain cells. Wish me luck.

Day 94 – 50/50

After a couple of days of stressing out about interviews, putting weight on and worrying what horrific film my friend is going to make me watch, I thought I would sit back and relax with this next film. Not that I can really do much though. My interview shoes destroyed my feet, so I can’t really do too much walking about. Oh well. Film time!

50/50. After learning that he has cancer, a young man struggles through his relationship, his friendships and his family.

I’ve seen things about cancer before. You may remember my post on My Life Without Me, and me saying that I used to watch The Big C. The film wasn’t that good, but the programme was really good. So, what did I think of my next venture into this world?

It was so beautiful.

The problem I had with My Life Without Me is the heartlessness of all the characters in the film. They all seemed really distant and fake and it just wasn’t great. The humour was all wrong too. This film had no trouble with that.

I mean, okay. I don’t know whether I myself would class this as a comedy. There were funny moments in it, and Seth Rogan’s involvement in the film kind makes it obvious that it will be classed that way. But I felt it more of a drama. That’s just me personally. I didn’t find it all that funny. But that didn’t really matter to me, because I was enjoying the film and connecting with the characters. Which is more than I can say for MLWM.

This was a moving film, and it dealt with the issue of cancer really nicely. Even though Seth Rogan’s character was chatting up ladies with Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s cancer as the hook, it wasn’t insulting. And even the awkward party scene where everyone was making Levitt’s character feel really weird wasn’t insulting. It’s probably what happens. I’m lucky enough not to have known anyone close to me that’s suffered with cancer. At least, not since I was like 4. So I don’t know how difficult it is to talk to that person, or how they might be feeling. But this film kind of opened my eyes. So, not only was it beautifully done, it was educational to me too. And I like that.

One of the interesting things about this film is that originally it was meant to be James McAvoy playing the role of Adam. Now, if you know me at all, you will know that I am a big McAvoy fan. And when I first read that information, way before watching this film, I thought ‘Well damn. This film isn’t going to be as good now.’ But you know what? I’m kind of glad he had to drop out. Levitt does an absolutely incredible job in this film. He has such a kind face and a certain air about him that made him fit the bill for this character. I don’t think I would have enjoyed the film as much if it was McAvoy. And that’s something coming from me. Levitt had me in tears in this film. He is an incredible actor and should be very proud of himself.

The story was really simple too. It wasn’t some kind of stupid over-the-top scenarios that some films have. You know the ones I mean? Stupid car chases, really unnecessary sex scenes. That kind of stuff. It wasn’t in this film. The story was what it was: a man suffering with cancer. Everything that happened to him could happen to anyone. And that made this film so special to me. It wasn’t trying to glamorize what was happening to him, and so I could relate to it a lot more. It had me hooked all the way through, and it was so beautiful. I keep saying that, but it really was.

I’m going to have to stop now. If I don’t, I’ll ramble on and on and spoil stuff, and I really don’t want to do that. If you’re okay with watching films that deal with difficult issues, I would recommend this to you. I say that because I was originally supposed to watch this with my mum, and she can’t handle films that deal with cancer. So, if you can, I would say watch it. It really touching and sweet and makes you think about a lot of stuff. If you can’t handle these issues, then I would say avoid it. It’s quite rough to watch, and I wouldn’t want to upset anyone.

My friend felt it was time to stop torturing me with awful films. He thought he would let me in on a classic. One that no one can believe I haven’t seen. And it’s the final film of the day folks! Probably the last for a couple of days too…so enjoy it.

File:Dirty Dancing.jpgDirty Dancing. A love story between a privileged girl and a working class man at a holiday camp that blooms through dancing.

I’m going to admit that I have watched this film, but when I was like six or seven. At that age, you don’t appreciate anything that isn’t funny or a cartoon. At least I didn’t anyway. So I thought it was about time that I gave it a go.

To be honest, I don’t really see the big deal about it.

It’s a nice film, don’t get me wrong. A very easy going film to watch. But, I don’t know. A lot of people say it’s like the greatest love film ever. It’s kind of not. I’ve seen better. Much better. Although, saying that, for the time it probably was the best. So that could be it. But in this day and age, it kinda falls a little flat in my book.

I’m not saying anything was wrong with it. Honestly, I’m not. The acting was good considering the time it was made. Patrick Swayze and Jennifer Grey make a lovely couple and all that jazz. It’s just…you know. When you’ve cried your heart out over films like P.S I Love You and The Notebook, this love story just doesn’t measure up. Sorry guys. I suppose I like the proper sob-sob kind of love stories, or the ones that make you feel all squishy inside. I just didn’t get that in this film. A little disappointed to be perfectly honest. I really wanted that squishy feeling.

I think I was also a little miffed about how little dancing there was in the film. There was an okay amount of dancing, but around the middle of the film it just kind of stopped until the end. I wanted more sexy dancing! I did occasionally feel a little uncomfortable watching the grinding and stuff. Mainly because I can’t dance for shit, and to see other people do that to each other is…well weird. But it needed more of it. That’s what I think.

If I’m totally honest, I don’t really have much more I want to say about it. I like the film, and would recommend it to people. But only because it’s a classic. If this film had come out now, I would have been pretty disappointed. But for the time, it probably was a masterpiece. So yeah. Go watch it if you haven’t. It’s nice.

Okay. So my torture is over. I might be able to fit in a couple of good films before the next time I come over to my friends. Which will be Thursday. So if you’re looking for more bad reviews, give it a few days. I’ll be back!

Seeing as I didn’t completely die during the last review, my friend wasn’t happy. He’s only happy when he sees me have complete mental breakdowns at bad films. This is his revenge…

File:Howard the Duck (1986).jpgHoward the Duck. After being transported from Duckworld to Earth, Howard the duck must try to find his way home in a boozy, perverted way.

I think my friend will be quite happy to hear that I’m pretty traumatised by this film. Not as much as other films, since there are actually words to describe this one, but still enough for him to be satisfied.

This was based on a Marvel comic. Not one that anyone I know has ever read, so it can’t really be that amazing. So what went through George Lucas’ mind when he decided he wanted to make it into a film? ‘Ducks, porn, booze, monsters…just what everyone wants to see!’ No, George Lucas. No. What I also don’t understand is how the mind behind Star Wars, Star Wars, can make a film like this. Please. Explain that to me.

The acting was just all wrong. There really was no stand out performance during this whole film. The duck himself was just rubbish voice acting, the woman was crap, the other men that I don’t really know who they are were blah. Oh God. Please can we rid the Earth of every one of these people? I don’t know who they are, so clearly this film destroyed their career in acting. Unsurprisingly, don’t you think?

Oh. I lied. There was one stand out performance. Jennings. Me and my mate had oodles of fun when Jennings turned into Not-Jennings as I affectionately named him. His character uttered the only decent lines in the whole film. These were ‘You barely know him’ and ‘Shut up’. Truly, those are the best lines of the entire film. You’re totally missing out if you haven’t seen this film, folks! Oh, and what got me wound up is that despite telling Howard and bitch-face that he was no longer Jennings but ‘somebody else’ (that line had me in fits, really) they were still adamant that he was in fact Jennings. How many times d’you need to be told that the man in front of you is an dark overlord guys? Sheesh. Listen.

Oh, and the special effects. They were so breathtakingly, outstandingly, jawdroppingly, mesmerisingly, heartstoppingly, Oscar-award-winningly amazing. (If you don’t catch the sarcasm in that…then it’s okay. I forgive you. Go eat a cookie.) This film comes from the man who produced/directed Star Wars. You have no excuse for shitty monsters and laser beams! None! The overlord was honestly the worst attempt of a monster I’ve ever laid my eyes upon! Oh God. The pain. The paaaaaaaaaaain!

Oh oh. Before I forget. There was one highlight of this whole film. That line was ‘It’s a duck man! It’s a duck!’ This line came from a guy that you never see again. Ever. And he put so much effort into that one line. He went all out, put his heart and soul into it. Enthusiasm award goes to you, good sir! I tip my hat to you. You’ve earned a place in my heart. Forever.

So, yeah. This was a bad film. Not the worst I’ve seen, but still pretty damn bad. Really really bad actually. I wouldn’t recommend this to you. In fact, avoid it unless you have a large supply of alcohol and a sledgehammer.

So. I know I’m going to end up watching at least one other film before the day ends. What that film is, I have no clue. Hopefully a good film for a change. I need a good film. Knowing my luck though…