Posts Tagged ‘Alone in the Dark’

…and as you can see, my friend most certainly had enough strength to put on one more film for me. Isn’t he just so kind?

Alone in the Dark. Based on the video game of the same game, this film follows Edward, a man who finds an artifact and then…gets attacked by monsters?

To be honest, I don’t really know what happened with this. I don’t know the game (boo hiss boo to me, I know) but there are a few things I do know. In the game, you’re alone, and you’re in the dark.

Funny that. In this film, aptly named Alone in the Dark, he is never alone, and never in the dark.

Hmm. I see no problem with this…really…I don’t…

Okay, so, what can I say about this film? Plot. Let’s start there.

I don’t know what the plot was. There was certainly more of a plot than Battlefield Earth, but I don’t really see what the moral of the story is. Some weird monsters have come along and decided to nom on people’s faces. That’s about it.

And the nomming really isn’t that interesting. There’s only 2 instances that I remember it happening. The rest of the time, the monsters are prancing around, half invisible, wasting screen time. And when you can see them, it’s pretty much bad graphics all the way. I mean really? Really? Sigh.

The only decent action scene (and I use the word decent very loosely here) came out of nowhere, lasted way too long, and consisted of the main characters who were randomly joined by a full freaking army at a point where I must have blinked and missed it shooting very bright guns into the dark (okay, I lied, they were in the dark this one time…BUT HE’S STILL NOT ALONE) at monsters they couldn’t possibly see but obviously did see and looked completely out of place. Yeah. Wonderful stuff.

Did I mention the unnecessary scenes yet? No? Okay, let’s get onto them then.

Imagine a man walking down a street and the camera’s following him. He then turns around, looking very worried and then camera spins around him, looking for all the potential places that this hinted at stalker would be, and then the man carries on walking and opens his front door. Oh, and don’t forget the eerie music. This scene is real. It is in this film. I saw it with my own eyes. Crap. Just crap. Why not just gauge my eyes out if you’re going to waste my time like this film? It’s like the director finished the actual story and thought ‘Huh…I don’t have enough film to make a movie…let’s add this load of bollocks in’. Gawd!

I have suffered so much tonight. I really have. My face hurts, my brain hurts, my teeth hurt…and all for the amusement of my friend. Has it been fun, you ask? No. No it has not. This ‘I have to watch any film I’m told to watch’ thing is a damn curse at times! Tomorrow, I am watching what I want to watch, and films that I know I will bloody well enjoy.

Oh. Yeah. This film. Don’t watch it.

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