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Posts Tagged ‘Ian Holm’

Ahem. So hello! Been some time…again…

I know I keep saying I will write this damn blog. And I do mean to. I was just confused as to what to watch after the epic 100th day of Prometheus. But my friend cleverly decided that it would be an amazing idea to now watch the original movies! Who would have thunk it? So, my grand, seventy millionth return to this site, I bring you Day 101.

Alien. A spaceship is redirected to an unknown planet after receiving what is thought to be a distress signal, only to find something a whole lot more sinister.

I’m not going to lie. I wasn’t overly excited about watching these films. What I didn’t mention in the Prometheus review was that the reason that I went to see that film was because of a certain actor (I don’t think I need to tell anyone who that is…you should all know by now). I have never been a fan of aliens. They kind of scare me to be honest. It was because of that that I avoided these films like the plague. Until now.

Well. Well well well. I take it all back. Everything.

This. Film. Is. Incredible.

Made in 1979, you wouldn’t really expect this film to be as good as it is. I mean, I’ve seen films from that era. None of which scared me. This film had me on the edge of my seat (well, bed really, but you know what I mean) the whole way through. At one point, I screamed so loud that my body reacted violently and I knocked a whole shelf of stuff over. Let’s just say my friend wasn’t amused…

But seriously. This movie is so tense. And there’s only one god damn alien! One! You would have thought it would be easy to get rid of the son-of-a-bitch, but hells no. This thing is nasty. And scary. And creepy. And everything that is right for an alien to be. Ooph. I love me some aliens now.

And that famous scene? You know which one I mean…the stomach? Yeah. I knew about that. Who doesn’t? But it still made me want to be sick. That is one good scene. Caught me slightly off guard with it’s grossness…*shudder*

Okay. Enough about the damn alien. Let’s move on to the actors.

I suppose the logical solution is to start with Sigourney Weaver. She is the main character after all. I like her. She’s the only one in the whole film with any logics. Really, she is. Every other character in the film is really stupid. Weaver has pretty much always been good in the films I’ve seen her in, but I think this is her stand-out performance to me. She manages to appear pretty calm whilst at the same time looking completely insane at the same time. I got a bit confused as to what it was she was feeling most of the time. Very well done, madam. Very well done.

Ian Holm. Oh this man is a genius. Ever since I saw him as Bilbo Baggins in The Lord of the Rings, he has pretty much always impressed me. Legend. And his performance as Ash is not disappointing at all. Now, there is the twist to his character that was pretty much spoiled for me. It was kind of obvious to me, seeing as I had seen Prometheus and kind of knew what was coming. But I can imagine that back when this was first released, that would have come as a pretty big shock. But I will say that he did a good job of portraying Ash and fooling everyone. He is so crazy. But so cool. I love you, Ian Holm.

The rest of the actors aren’t really that noteworthy. I mean, John Hurt is in the film, but he’s gone within the first half hour. And even then he says about 10 lines. I was a little disappointed that it was him that went first. But meh. Someone’s gotta do it! Otherwise, the rest of the characters were pretty much boring or annoying.

Oh no. That is a complete lie. There was one character that was so crucial to my experience of watching this film that it would be blasphemy not to mention them…

The ginger cat.

Oh my God. I have never gotten so wound up in a film because of an animal. Let me explain. My old cat was a ginger cat. He looked just like Jones did. I loved my cat. Rest in peace…So, when I see that there is a ginger cat in this film, the first thing I told me friend was ‘This cat had better survive’. There were points that I nearly cried, got very angry, was ecstatic…not because of the human characters. Oh no. All because of this cute, fluffy animal. I shan’t tell you the fate of this crucial cast member. But let’s just say it’s an intense ride.

Okay. I think I’ve said quite enough about this film. I still have all the other films to write about (three of which have already been watched). So I’ll end it there. Watch this film if you haven’t already. Or if you have, watch it again. It’s brilliant. Amazing. Scary. All good things. Yup.

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Day 19. Not sure I can put this into words…It’s just…wow…um…I’ll try. For you.

The Fifth Element. A story about…um…well…a taxi driver who gets caught in some sort of futuristic battle of good and bad where the ultimate weapon is some woman. I think.

I’m finding this so very difficult to explain. There are just no words. But I must. I must. I don’t even know where to start.

Let’s start with Bruce Willis. I thought, okay, it’s Bruce Willis. He’ll be okay. He’ll keep me hooked. Oh dear. I mean, he was acceptable. But the lines he was given…I just don’t know. Kissing random women? Yep. Acceptable. Totally. Just…I can’t. I’m sorry.

Milla Jovovich. What a…stunning performance. A woman who speaks complete gobbledegook for half of the film, and suddenly speaks perfect English. A woman who’s hair is so badly dyed it’s not even funny. A woman who makes everything she falls or jumps through turn into paper. A woman who, after being recreated using licorice and other fantastical stuff, had some form of violent orgasm upon awakening. Yes. She is epic.

Ian Holm. I had such respect for you. You couldn’t even string two sentences together. You couldn’t even remember what a phone was, so made a massive over-the-top action for it. There’s not much I have to say for you.

Gary Oldman. I’m so sorry all Oldman fans, but cover your ears. This could be painful…That was easily the most disturbing, the most painful, the WORST bad-guy I have ever scene. The accent? Why? Just why? The hair? Seriously? The choking scene? What was the point of it? There’s just so much…so much…it hurts.

The character Ruby. I have never wanted to kill a man so much as this man. Or woman. I have yet to determine which sex he decided to be. How do you expect Bruce Willis to work things out with you screeching questions down his ear in the most irritating high pitch voice the world has ever heard? Seriously, dude (or dudette) shut the hell up. The best thing you did was leave. But even then you messed it up with that stupid BZZZZZZZZZ crap you do. GET OUT OF MY LIFE! 

That’s the actors done. Now for the rest of the film.

The aliens. I mean…there’s just no words. They are seriously the lamest excuse for aliens I have ever seen. I don’t even know how to describe them. I am so appalled. There is no excuse. I don’t care if it was made in 1997. There is no excuse for those big metallic blobs with weird head that just were not meant for that body.

The planet. It talked. Okay? The planet freaking talked. In what way is that acceptable to us as humans? Who’s bright idea was it for Gary Oldman to have a telephone conversation with a planet? I thought, no, surely not. It can’t be the planet. No one can be that insane. Oh how wrong I was.

The opera singer. Now, apparently this is the part of the film that everybody loves. The only reason to watch the film apparently. And for a while, I agreed. Until the weird autotune crap kicked in. And the stupid fight scene. I’m sorry people. If that is the best part of the film, then you are basically saying that the rest of the film is a load of balls, because this scene was equally as bad. Admit it.

I don’t think I can cope with anymore bad things. I’m gonna briefly mention the only decent thing in the film: Lee Evans. This man is a genius. He saved the film for me. Well. I say saved. I cheered up. He was by far the best actor in the whole thing. He beat Bruce Willis! That’s not an easy thing to do. But in this film, it was so easy. And then they killed him. Why? Why? Please tell me why you destroyed any hope of me liking this film?

There’s so much I could say. The costume, the special effects, the plot in general. But my brain needs to repress this memory. I need to stop thinking about it. It actually hurts me. I can’t take anymore. I hope you get my general opinion of this film, because I don’t even have the energy to sum it up. Signing out now, before I cry.

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