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So my Alien marathon is over. Didn’t actually realise that it was, but I was well informed before we watched this film that it is not a part of the Alien franchise. I got all sad, but got over that quite quickly. But nonetheless, let’s get going with Day 105.

Predator. After being lured into the heart of a jungle, a team are left facing one of the most deadly creatures ever to exist on the planet.

Not going to lie. I didn’t really want to watch this film. As you may have noticed in the previous post, I’ve never been a big Arnie fan. Mostly after his horrific performances in Batman and Robin and The Expendables. So when I found out that it was he that would hog the limelight in this film, I won’t lie that I was less than amused.

Oh how wrong I was.

There is only one word for this film. Kickass. I cannot explain to you how much I love this film. It is hardcore awesomeness. It actually is. There are so many reasons for this…so many reasons…

We’ll get Arnie out of the way, shall we? I think my main problem with him is when he opens his mouth. It’s just not good. Okay, the occasional line he delivered was convincing. I think it’s mostly when he’s trying to be funny or do anything more than shout out orders. But when his mouth is closed, he magically transforms! There were moments of absolute, undeniable talent from this man when he kept his mouth closed. For example, he does the ‘what-the-fuck?’ look extremely well. He also does the ‘holy shit’ look very well. And…well it kills me to say this…but when he didn’t open his mouth, I found him rather easy on the eyes. Stupidly easy on the eyes. It annoyed me beyond belief. But yeah. Okay. So this film was a good moment for Arnie. Still don’t forgive you for Mr Freeze…but you have gained slight respect for this film.

The other actors were…well they were just there really. That’s kind of saying something when even Arnie outshines you. But, to be honest, with lines like ‘If it bleeds, we can kill it’ and the oh so famous ‘GET TO THE CHOPPER!’, how does anyone else stand a chance? I’m also not going to pretend that I knew this film had that line in it. I honestly had no clue that the famous ‘chopper’ line was from this film. So imagine my excitement when I heard it. Yep. It was quite good. I will now be a quoting that line every day of my life. It will be good times.

But I think the best part about this film is the Predator itself…

So, I had no previous knowledge to this film. I just kind of thought it was another branch of the alien movies. So you know, cannibalistic beasts with no intelligence running around killing people because it can. Oh no. No no no no no. These things are so much more. They are beyond anything I could have even imagined. They are so much smarter, so much more advanced, so much more badass than anything in the Alien films. Don’t get me wrong; the aliens from Alien 1 and 3 are freaking awesome. But this is something else. They have technology. Technology! How scary is that? Heat-sensers, voice manipulator, lasers…What the actual hell? I don’t actually think my brain can adapt to it’s epicness. I’ll tell you one thing. Hearing that thing copy the cast member’s voices is one of the scariest things I have ever seen.

This film is a whole lot more gruesome than the other films too. I actually felt a little sick during the whole thing. Skinning alive…urgh. My stomach is churning at the thought. But it was kind of okay to see that. It wasn’t bugs, so I didn’t have my skin crawling like I have done in films. It also didn’t freak me out to the point where I needed to huddle up to anyone. I was much more interested in how the predator hunted rather than ‘Oh my God it’s gross, hide hide hide!’. And that’s saying something for me!

Yeah. So I’m surprised to find myself saying that I enjoyed this film very very much. I honestly feel like I’m becoming increasingly nerdy by the second. But that’s okay. Nerdz rulez.

No more films for today! I’ve kind of destroyed my brain with it all. I will be updating it more frequently from now on. I promise! So, until next time!

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The marathon continues. The fourth film of the Alien marathon. What will it be like?

Alien Resurrection. They find Ripley, clone her, and shit happens.

THIS FILM SHOULDN’T EXIST THIS FILM SHOULDN’T EXIST THIS FILM SHOULDN’T EXIST THIS FILM SHOULDN’T EXIST THIS FILM SHOULDN’T EXIST THIS FILM SHOULDN’T EXIST THIS FILM SHOULDN’T EXIST THIS FILM SHOULDN’T EXIST THIS FILM SHOULDN’T EXIST THIS FILM SHOULDN’T EXIST THIS FILM SHOULDN’T EXIST THIS FILM SHOULDN’T EXIST THIS FILM SHOULDN’T EXIST THIS FILM SHOULDN’T EXIST THIS FILM SHOULDN’T EXIST!

I mean come on! Really? What the hell were you thinking? The last film had such an incredible ending! It was perfect! Why shit on something so amazing? Why did you do this?

God. I don’t even want to acknowledge this as a film. It shouldn’t be on this earth. But it is. So…I guess I’ll have to say something.

The story is stupid. It is. They resurrection Ripley because, you know, we need another Alien film in our life. They get the alien out of her. They breed them. And it all goes to shit. What did you think would happen? And then the queen alien gives birth the human way, so essentially we see an alien vagina. And then that thing is just stupid. And then it dies. God! Did this really need to exist?

The acting is shocking too. At this point, I’m sick of seeing Sigourney Weaver. I can’t comprehend what she thought she was doing in this film. And the other good actor in this film has been in Lord of the Rings, and playing Grima Wormtounge. Well. He certainly lives up to that name. Tries to tongue a freaking alien. Fuck me….

Oh, and the humour. You know. It was funny. This film was funny. It was so fucking funny. It was so crap. I hate it. Burn this film with fire!

Oh. And about seven or eight times, the same thing was repeated  over and over again. What’s inside me? What’s inside me? What’s inside me? What’s inside me? What’s inside me? No fighting. No fighting. No fighting. No fighting. She’s a robot. She’s a robot. She’s a robot. She’s a robot. She’s a robot. YES FILM! WE KNOW THIS INFORMATION! SHUT THE FUCK UP!

Oh, and you want to know the best part? Rotten Tomatoes rated this better than the last film…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………………..WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU DO THAT? THIS FILM SHOULD NOT EXIST SO HOW CAN IT BE BETTER THAN ONE THAT NEEDED TO EXIST? GAWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWD!

That’s it. I’m done. This film should be exiled. Never come back into play. No counter spells, no flashbacks, no anything like that. Just leave.

So, I’m now going to start on the Predator films. I’m such a fan of Arnie…*cough*…wish me luck!

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This is another one of those films that I’ve watched in the past week and haven’t been able to write about. I’m going to cut the crap and get right to it.

Gordy. A piglet goes in search of his sold family and ends up becoming a world hero.

This was one of those films that I had no choice in watching. My friend (not my usual friend that controls my film choices, just so you know) was feeling down and this is her pick up film. I’ve seen the beginning of a review of this film too by the amazing Nostalgia Critic, and it wasn’t promising. So, you know. Not much hope to begin with.

Oh, how right I was.

I know this is a kid’s film. I know that. It’s all cheesy and all the squishy stuff that’s made kid’s films so suitable for kid’s. But this film…this film goes beyond all that.

The story is completely unrealistic. Painfully unrealistic. I just can’t understand the logic in this film. Only a few people (the one’s with pure hearts by the way) can hear Gordy, and he becomes a complete billionaire within the space of a few seconds. I mean…really? I couldn’t actually take it seriously.

I just…oh I have no idea. There’s just so many flaws with the film. It pains me to recall it. It is, however, in no way the worst film I have ever watched. There is an actual element of caring in this film. I did care for the pigs. Only because they were cute, fluffly, little piglets. That’s about the extend of the caring I put into this film. But you know. That’s more than a lot of films.

I don’t really have much to say about this film. Like…the acting was pretty poor, the story was unrealistic, and the hero was a pig. Not the cool Babe kind of hero either. Some overly cheesy one that only made me happy when he was being cute. That’s it. Not much for me to go off.

I think it’s best I just kind of give up. I have two films to write about for which I have so much to write for. No point wasting time on a film that I can’t write about…

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The previous film was a surprisingly funny watch. Will this one be the same?

Hobgoblins. Little creatures run around killing people with their wildest fantasies.

Remember how I said I was traumatised by Freddy Got Fingered? This has done the same job. I am broken.

Nothing happens. And if it does, there’s no energy in anything that’s being done. But for a lot of the film, nothing interesting happens.

;OIREG;LKJDSFSKLSD;LOJSEF;OICXO;0.,UH8LN6YHJR5TVCIOF4VKMYHUN76UYHWRJMTNVGJYHXCPKI8H7HY6ZX6YHFD7JNVBT6HMUJYXC7YWT5GJ7UMC7M6RWEP8JFD;KL’H6YU7NMNRETGVIPJ

I hate this film I hate this film I hate this film I hate this film I hate this film I hate this film I hate this film I HATE THIS FUCKING FILM!!!!!!

I actually have nothing to write about. Nothing. Because NOTHING FUCKING HAPPENED!!! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGE!

There were the Hobgoblins themselves I suppose. They’re supposed to be scary, right? RIGHT? No. If anything, they were cute. I want one. Yeah, how bad is that? I want the thing that supposedly goes around killing people. Good one film. Oh, and I think what they used were teddies too. Yeah, they held them by their arses and shook them around to make it look like they were alive. Job well done. I was totally fooled.

And don’t get me started on the corridors. I don’t want to walk down another corridor EVER. Apparently corridors are much more important than, I don’t know, PLOT!! ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH

Breathe, breathe, breathe…be calm…be…calm…

Nope. Fuck this. I’m going. I’m not going to waste more words on this film. It’s balls. Balls balls balls balls BALLS.

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As you may have guessed, I’m back at my friend’s house! Yay! That means more and more films shall be watched! Yay! I’m eager to get started, aren’t you?

Manos: The Hands of Fate. A couple on their way to vacation stumble across a little hut in the middle of nowhere and stuff happens.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh. Ohhhhhhhhhhhh. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

This film was possibly the worst excuse I have ever seen for a film. By that I mean that everything was wrong with it. I mean it. There was not one decent shot, line, character, anything throughout the whole thing.

But you know what? I loved watching it.

This is one of those films that is so so so awful that you can’t help but find it bed-wettingly funny. I mean it. It is the worst film in existence if you look at it from a director’s point of view. It is so low budget, so badly edited, so obviously dubbed. If you were the director of that film, you would probably want to go throw yourself off of a cliff, poison yourself, stab your face repeatedly and then maybe let somebody kill you. But watching it now in 2012, it is comic gold.

Every single shot of this film was painstakingly unnecessary and long. The first 10 minutes of the damn film is watching them drive with really strange music playing over so loud that you can’t hear the odd occasion when they do speak. And then we have the back and forth shots from the couple to the ‘eerie’ painting that was just like, what? Oh, and let’s not forget the 5 minute bitch fight scene that was funny to start and then just got worse and worse and oh God make it stop. I don’t know what kind of director, or even actor, would be satisfied with what they did in this film.

The acting was so bad. So bad. There actually are no words to describe the level of acting in this film. It makes Nicholas Cage seem like a freaking Shakespearean actor! And the lines. Oh God the lines! I never want to hear the line ‘It’s my baby. It’ll be alright’ again because it was said about 4 times. I actually think it was a recorded line recycled. A lot of the lines felt that way. They didn’t have the time to actually do it properly so they pulled a few people off the street, gave them a fiver and said ‘hey, read these lines for us. You’ll be famous.’ Yup. I’ve figured it all out now.

Oh. But there was one magical glimmer of genius in this whole film. One word: Torgol. The man with the weirdest legs in the history of films. We had to sit and watch this poor man in clearly painful costume struggle to drag a dead-weight man across the screen. I felt so bad for him. His acting skills were amazing (and by that I mean scarily bad). He is the creepiest bugger ever. But. But! He is indestructible. About 3 times did the ‘Master’ say he was going to die, and at no point did he die. You go Torgol. I’ve got your back.

But despite all of this really really shockingly awful stuff, I have to say that it was a blast to watch. Unlike some of the other films that I’ve seen, I would actually sit through this again. Not alone, of course. I will try and convince a few of my other friends to sit through it and laugh with me. It truly holds the title for the worst film ever made, and I love it because it is the worst film ever made.

So, that was a pleasant turn of events. I now go to watch a film that is actually going to kill my brain cells. Wish me luck.

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After a couple of days of stressing out about interviews, putting weight on and worrying what horrific film my friend is going to make me watch, I thought I would sit back and relax with this next film. Not that I can really do much though. My interview shoes destroyed my feet, so I can’t really do too much walking about. Oh well. Film time!

50/50. After learning that he has cancer, a young man struggles through his relationship, his friendships and his family.

I’ve seen things about cancer before. You may remember my post on My Life Without Me, and me saying that I used to watch The Big C. The film wasn’t that good, but the programme was really good. So, what did I think of my next venture into this world?

It was so beautiful.

The problem I had with My Life Without Me is the heartlessness of all the characters in the film. They all seemed really distant and fake and it just wasn’t great. The humour was all wrong too. This film had no trouble with that.

I mean, okay. I don’t know whether I myself would class this as a comedy. There were funny moments in it, and Seth Rogan’s involvement in the film kind makes it obvious that it will be classed that way. But I felt it more of a drama. That’s just me personally. I didn’t find it all that funny. But that didn’t really matter to me, because I was enjoying the film and connecting with the characters. Which is more than I can say for MLWM.

This was a moving film, and it dealt with the issue of cancer really nicely. Even though Seth Rogan’s character was chatting up ladies with Joseph Gordon-Levitt’s cancer as the hook, it wasn’t insulting. And even the awkward party scene where everyone was making Levitt’s character feel really weird wasn’t insulting. It’s probably what happens. I’m lucky enough not to have known anyone close to me that’s suffered with cancer. At least, not since I was like 4. So I don’t know how difficult it is to talk to that person, or how they might be feeling. But this film kind of opened my eyes. So, not only was it beautifully done, it was educational to me too. And I like that.

One of the interesting things about this film is that originally it was meant to be James McAvoy playing the role of Adam. Now, if you know me at all, you will know that I am a big McAvoy fan. And when I first read that information, way before watching this film, I thought ‘Well damn. This film isn’t going to be as good now.’ But you know what? I’m kind of glad he had to drop out. Levitt does an absolutely incredible job in this film. He has such a kind face and a certain air about him that made him fit the bill for this character. I don’t think I would have enjoyed the film as much if it was McAvoy. And that’s something coming from me. Levitt had me in tears in this film. He is an incredible actor and should be very proud of himself.

The story was really simple too. It wasn’t some kind of stupid over-the-top scenarios that some films have. You know the ones I mean? Stupid car chases, really unnecessary sex scenes. That kind of stuff. It wasn’t in this film. The story was what it was: a man suffering with cancer. Everything that happened to him could happen to anyone. And that made this film so special to me. It wasn’t trying to glamorize what was happening to him, and so I could relate to it a lot more. It had me hooked all the way through, and it was so beautiful. I keep saying that, but it really was.

I’m going to have to stop now. If I don’t, I’ll ramble on and on and spoil stuff, and I really don’t want to do that. If you’re okay with watching films that deal with difficult issues, I would recommend this to you. I say that because I was originally supposed to watch this with my mum, and she can’t handle films that deal with cancer. So, if you can, I would say watch it. It really touching and sweet and makes you think about a lot of stuff. If you can’t handle these issues, then I would say avoid it. It’s quite rough to watch, and I wouldn’t want to upset anyone.

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My friend felt it was time to stop torturing me with awful films. He thought he would let me in on a classic. One that no one can believe I haven’t seen. And it’s the final film of the day folks! Probably the last for a couple of days too…so enjoy it.

File:Dirty Dancing.jpgDirty Dancing. A love story between a privileged girl and a working class man at a holiday camp that blooms through dancing.

I’m going to admit that I have watched this film, but when I was like six or seven. At that age, you don’t appreciate anything that isn’t funny or a cartoon. At least I didn’t anyway. So I thought it was about time that I gave it a go.

To be honest, I don’t really see the big deal about it.

It’s a nice film, don’t get me wrong. A very easy going film to watch. But, I don’t know. A lot of people say it’s like the greatest love film ever. It’s kind of not. I’ve seen better. Much better. Although, saying that, for the time it probably was the best. So that could be it. But in this day and age, it kinda falls a little flat in my book.

I’m not saying anything was wrong with it. Honestly, I’m not. The acting was good considering the time it was made. Patrick Swayze and Jennifer Grey make a lovely couple and all that jazz. It’s just…you know. When you’ve cried your heart out over films like P.S I Love You and The Notebook, this love story just doesn’t measure up. Sorry guys. I suppose I like the proper sob-sob kind of love stories, or the ones that make you feel all squishy inside. I just didn’t get that in this film. A little disappointed to be perfectly honest. I really wanted that squishy feeling.

I think I was also a little miffed about how little dancing there was in the film. There was an okay amount of dancing, but around the middle of the film it just kind of stopped until the end. I wanted more sexy dancing! I did occasionally feel a little uncomfortable watching the grinding and stuff. Mainly because I can’t dance for shit, and to see other people do that to each other is…well weird. But it needed more of it. That’s what I think.

If I’m totally honest, I don’t really have much more I want to say about it. I like the film, and would recommend it to people. But only because it’s a classic. If this film had come out now, I would have been pretty disappointed. But for the time, it probably was a masterpiece. So yeah. Go watch it if you haven’t. It’s nice.

Okay. So my torture is over. I might be able to fit in a couple of good films before the next time I come over to my friends. Which will be Thursday. So if you’re looking for more bad reviews, give it a few days. I’ll be back!

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