Posts Tagged ‘worst film ever’

So here we go. These next two films are the ones that I’ve been wanting to talk about to anyone and everyone for the past few days. And I’m happy to say that they are films 99 and 100! I’ve come so far, but would probably be even further ahead of myself if I hadn’t been finishing my university life. D’oh! Anyway…

Birdemic: Shock and Terror. A film about birds attacking.

This has been called one of the worst films out there. I found this on a Youtube video showing scenes of the worst films ever. And then I watched the trailer. And then I knew I needed to see it.

This. Film. Is. Brilliant.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s not brilliant in the same way that The Green Mile and The Lord of the Rings are brilliant. Oh no no no no no. This film is brilliant in the way that Manos: Hands of Fate was brilliant. Let me explain…

The title pretty much says the emotions we are meant to feel. Emphasis on ‘meant’. Throughout this film, I was howling with laughter. No ‘shock’. No ‘terror’. Just comedy. There is just so many things wrong with this film, I would even go to say it is worse than Manos. Yes. I said it. And this film was made in 2008! It has no excuse!

The CGI is so bad that it’s good. I mean…the birds…oh my life. I don’t really know how to explain it. These were birds…but they were kind of like those GIFs you see on the internet. They’re just stuck onto the screen and repeat their actions in their cartoon-like way. It’s so beautiful. Oh, and did I mention that they dive bomb? Yep. And they spew bird acid. Oh yes. Bird acid. I will explain no more.

Not only is the CGI bad, but the audio is horrendous. The first line of the film is literally an explosion of feedback with a high-pitched ‘Hi’ somewhere in there. That is possibly the only moment of shock I got from this film. Oh no. The other moment was the scene were a woman was killed whilst emptying her bowels. It was hilarious. But back to the audio. It was so bad. You could hear the scene cuts, you could hear the background noise, and sometimes you couldn’t even hear the very important, plot-thickening dialogues that were had. Shame.

And about the dialogue, let’s talk about the acting. Well…let’s just say it was non-existent. The leading guy in this film had the facial expressions of a rock, and the speaking skills of a plank. And I think, from the interview that I watched of the sequel (oh, I’ll get there eventually), that this guy thinks he’s…like…amazing. Come on dude. Have you watched this film? *sigh* The rest of the acting was really bad too. Sometimes it was like they were just told to make it up on the spot, or only had one take so if they fluffed up they had to continue. Oh the pain. The pain…

And the amount of scenes that were completely unnecessary? Practically all of it. For the first 45 minutes, there’s no birds. Oh, no, there’s 3 wild parrots. But they weren’t attacking anyone. So, you know, the romance and all that stuff was so important that it took up half of the film. They didn’t have the ability to, you know, merge the two things together. Oh jeez. Oh, and do you like driving? I hope you do. There’s a lot of it in this film. And singing. There’s a whole 2 minutes worth of singing and dancing in this film. ‘Good’ dancing and singing too. Yep…aren’t you jealous you didn’t see this film?

But despite every single thing that I have just said, I absolutely love this film. This is the true definition of a guilty pleasure. It is so painful to acknowledge as a film, but I love the fact that someone thought they were a cinematic god and created this beautiful thing. I am seriously considering purchasing it. Really. I am. I love it. I do.

So. Watch it. Your life will be complete when you do.

Oh yeah. The sequel! There’s a Birdemic 2: The Resurrection coming out this Summer! In 3D! YES! I KNOW! I am so excited. I could actually die with excitement. Watch this first one, and you will be too.



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The previous film was a surprisingly funny watch. Will this one be the same?

Hobgoblins. Little creatures run around killing people with their wildest fantasies.

Remember how I said I was traumatised by Freddy Got Fingered? This has done the same job. I am broken.

Nothing happens. And if it does, there’s no energy in anything that’s being done. But for a lot of the film, nothing interesting happens.


I hate this film I hate this film I hate this film I hate this film I hate this film I hate this film I hate this film I HATE THIS FUCKING FILM!!!!!!

I actually have nothing to write about. Nothing. Because NOTHING FUCKING HAPPENED!!! RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGE!

There were the Hobgoblins themselves I suppose. They’re supposed to be scary, right? RIGHT? No. If anything, they were cute. I want one. Yeah, how bad is that? I want the thing that supposedly goes around killing people. Good one film. Oh, and I think what they used were teddies too. Yeah, they held them by their arses and shook them around to make it look like they were alive. Job well done. I was totally fooled.

And don’t get me started on the corridors. I don’t want to walk down another corridor EVER. Apparently corridors are much more important than, I don’t know, PLOT!! ARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGH

Breathe, breathe, breathe…be calm…be…calm…

Nope. Fuck this. I’m going. I’m not going to waste more words on this film. It’s balls. Balls balls balls balls BALLS.

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As you may have guessed, I’m back at my friend’s house! Yay! That means more and more films shall be watched! Yay! I’m eager to get started, aren’t you?

Manos: The Hands of Fate. A couple on their way to vacation stumble across a little hut in the middle of nowhere and stuff happens.

Ohhhhhhhhhhhh. Ohhhhhhhhhhhh. Ohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

This film was possibly the worst excuse I have ever seen for a film. By that I mean that everything was wrong with it. I mean it. There was not one decent shot, line, character, anything throughout the whole thing.

But you know what? I loved watching it.

This is one of those films that is so so so awful that you can’t help but find it bed-wettingly funny. I mean it. It is the worst film in existence if you look at it from a director’s point of view. It is so low budget, so badly edited, so obviously dubbed. If you were the director of that film, you would probably want to go throw yourself off of a cliff, poison yourself, stab your face repeatedly and then maybe let somebody kill you. But watching it now in 2012, it is comic gold.

Every single shot of this film was painstakingly unnecessary and long. The first 10 minutes of the damn film is watching them drive with really strange music playing over so loud that you can’t hear the odd occasion when they do speak. And then we have the back and forth shots from the couple to the ‘eerie’ painting that was just like, what? Oh, and let’s not forget the 5 minute bitch fight scene that was funny to start and then just got worse and worse and oh God make it stop. I don’t know what kind of director, or even actor, would be satisfied with what they did in this film.

The acting was so bad. So bad. There actually are no words to describe the level of acting in this film. It makes Nicholas Cage seem like a freaking Shakespearean actor! And the lines. Oh God the lines! I never want to hear the line ‘It’s my baby. It’ll be alright’ again because it was said about 4 times. I actually think it was a recorded line recycled. A lot of the lines felt that way. They didn’t have the time to actually do it properly so they pulled a few people off the street, gave them a fiver and said ‘hey, read these lines for us. You’ll be famous.’ Yup. I’ve figured it all out now.

Oh. But there was one magical glimmer of genius in this whole film. One word: Torgol. The man with the weirdest legs in the history of films. We had to sit and watch this poor man in clearly painful costume struggle to drag a dead-weight man across the screen. I felt so bad for him. His acting skills were amazing (and by that I mean scarily bad). He is the creepiest bugger ever. But. But! He is indestructible. About 3 times did the ‘Master’ say he was going to die, and at no point did he die. You go Torgol. I’ve got your back.

But despite all of this really really shockingly awful stuff, I have to say that it was a blast to watch. Unlike some of the other films that I’ve seen, I would actually sit through this again. Not alone, of course. I will try and convince a few of my other friends to sit through it and laugh with me. It truly holds the title for the worst film ever made, and I love it because it is the worst film ever made.

So, that was a pleasant turn of events. I now go to watch a film that is actually going to kill my brain cells. Wish me luck.

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…and as you can see, my friend most certainly had enough strength to put on one more film for me. Isn’t he just so kind?

Alone in the Dark. Based on the video game of the same game, this film follows Edward, a man who finds an artifact and then…gets attacked by monsters?

To be honest, I don’t really know what happened with this. I don’t know the game (boo hiss boo to me, I know) but there are a few things I do know. In the game, you’re alone, and you’re in the dark.

Funny that. In this film, aptly named Alone in the Dark, he is never alone, and never in the dark.

Hmm. I see no problem with this…really…I don’t…

Okay, so, what can I say about this film? Plot. Let’s start there.

I don’t know what the plot was. There was certainly more of a plot than Battlefield Earth, but I don’t really see what the moral of the story is. Some weird monsters have come along and decided to nom on people’s faces. That’s about it.

And the nomming really isn’t that interesting. There’s only 2 instances that I remember it happening. The rest of the time, the monsters are prancing around, half invisible, wasting screen time. And when you can see them, it’s pretty much bad graphics all the way. I mean really? Really? Sigh.

The only decent action scene (and I use the word decent very loosely here) came out of nowhere, lasted way too long, and consisted of the main characters who were randomly joined by a full freaking army at a point where I must have blinked and missed it shooting very bright guns into the dark (okay, I lied, they were in the dark this one time…BUT HE’S STILL NOT ALONE) at monsters they couldn’t possibly see but obviously did see and looked completely out of place. Yeah. Wonderful stuff.

Did I mention the unnecessary scenes yet? No? Okay, let’s get onto them then.

Imagine a man walking down a street and the camera’s following him. He then turns around, looking very worried and then camera spins around him, looking for all the potential places that this hinted at stalker would be, and then the man carries on walking and opens his front door. Oh, and don’t forget the eerie music. This scene is real. It is in this film. I saw it with my own eyes. Crap. Just crap. Why not just gauge my eyes out if you’re going to waste my time like this film? It’s like the director finished the actual story and thought ‘Huh…I don’t have enough film to make a movie…let’s add this load of bollocks in’. Gawd!

I have suffered so much tonight. I really have. My face hurts, my brain hurts, my teeth hurt…and all for the amusement of my friend. Has it been fun, you ask? No. No it has not. This ‘I have to watch any film I’m told to watch’ thing is a damn curse at times! Tomorrow, I am watching what I want to watch, and films that I know I will bloody well enjoy.

Oh. Yeah. This film. Don’t watch it.

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Okay. So. After the wonderful film that I watched earlier (don’t worry, I’ve calmed down now), my friend then decided to put an even better one on. Oh the joys.

Battlefield Earth. This film follows…um…well…hmm…

You know what? I really don’t know what actually happened in this film. I kid you not. For the 2 hours that I sat and endured this film, I had no idea what was going on.

How can you have a film with no plot line? I mean, how is that physically possible? I don’t know what to say. Some things happened…but, what those things were, I couldn’t really say how they linked together, or what exactly they were even. They just happened. And now…I feel a little empty.

So…yeah…the writers really worked their magic with this film…ahem…

Let’s move onto what actually was there shall we?

What shall we start with? Okay, visuals. That should have been good, yeah?

Let’s do an experiment. Tilt your head to the side. Further. Further. One more time. Okay. How’s that? Not comfortable you say? That’s how you had to watch the film, because every single shot was tilted. I mean, okay, there’s dramatic angles, but seriously film? Every single shot? You must be having a laugh. What, could you not afford straight camera holders? Or did you not realise that every single shot was wonky, and when it came to the editing you thought ‘Awww damn it. It’s all wonky. What do we do? Oh, I know. Let’s say it was our artistic choice!’ Dumbasses.

So, yeah, visuals. Fail. Characters?

I felt no emotional connection with any character in this entire film. Is that even possible? Well, clearly it is, coz this film did it. And it took me over an hour to realise that the main guy (or at least I think he was the main guy, who knows in this damn film) was called Jonnie. Surely that’s kind of an important thing to drill into someone’s head…you know. The protagonist’s name. Nope. Just casually slide it in after an hour. No one will mind. Grumble.

And John Travolta. Oh John Travolta. What have you done? I am a fan of yours, but not even you can justify this performance. I’m not even sure you can call it a performance even. That accent you were ‘attempting’…what was it? Was it American? Or Irish? Or…I don’t know…Badactingan? Who knows? I certainly don’t. I’m surprised you were ever asked to act again after this. Wow. Just…wow.

So, when people say that this is one of the worst movies ever made, they really aren’t wrong. They just give you nothing. Scenes are repeated (literally, I saw Jonnie running in slow motion a good four or five times in the exact same way during this film), language is just bizarre (apparently we humans speak in grunts now…yeah, think about it) and linearity is just non-existent. I blinked, and I must have missed something vitally important. Never in my life has there been such emptiness in a film.

So, despite all of this, it did not anger me as much as my previous film (It-That-Must-Not-Be-Named). There was more to the previous film, but you know what? This one didn’t insult me. It may have made what remaining IQ I have skyrocket to the lowest of levels, but insult me is one thing I did not. So kudos on that one.

But frankly, this is not a good film. I can’t even say this is a bad film. It’s just so much worse than that. If you’re willing to sit through 2 hours and have your mind melted, then this is worth a watch. In fact, I dare you to watch it and try and make sense of it. If you do, please, let me know how you got on. I really really want to know.

Now…I might have another film lined up…providing my friend’s not as messed up as I am…

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